BootLeg Betty

Hocus Pocus Quotes

Hocus Pocus Quotes
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Jay: So, where’re you from?

Max: Los Angeles.

[Jay and Ice look at him with confused looks]

Max: L.A.

Jay: [Finally getting it] Oh, dude!

Ernie “Ice”: Tubular.

 ***

Winifred Sanderson: Oh look, another glorious morning. Makes me SICK!

***

Sarah: [singing in the sky] Come little children, I’ll take thee away / Into a land of enchantment / Come little children, the times come to play / Here in my garden of magic.

****

Billy Butcherson: Go to hell!

Winifred Sanderson: Oh! I’ve been there, thank you. I found it quite lovely.

***

Winifred Sanderson: Sisters, All Hallow’s Eve has become a night of frolic, where children wear costumes and run amok!

Sarah: Amok!

[dances around]

Sarah: Amok, amok, amok, amok, amok…

[Winifred punches Sarah in the stomach]

Sarah: Ugh!

***

Winifred Sanderson: You know, I’ve always wanted a child. And now I think I’ll have one… on toast!

***

Winifred Sanderson: Twist the bones and bend the back

Sarah, Mary Sanderson: Itch-it-a-cop-it-a-Mel-a-ka-mys-ti-ca

Winifred Sanderson: Trim him of his baby fat

Sarah, Mary Sanderson: Itch-it-a-cop-it-a-Mel-a-ka-mys-ti-ca

Winifred Sanderson: Give him fur black as black, just

Mary Sanderson: Like

Sarah: This!

***

Emily: Thackery Binx, what took thee so long?

Thackery Binx: I’m sorry, Emily. I had to wait three hundred years for a virgin to light a candle.

***

Allison: I like your costume, Dani.

Dani: Thank you! I really like yours too. Of course, I couldn’t wear anything like that because I don’t have any – what do you call them, Max? Yabbos?

[Max nearly spits out the cider he’s drinking]

Dani: Max likes your yabbos… in fact, he loves them!

***

Winifred Sanderson: Unfaithful lover long since dead. Deep asleep in thy wormy bed. Wiggle thy toes, open thine eyes, twist thy fingers toward the sky. Life is sweet, be not shy. On thy feet. So sayeth I!

***

Winifred Sanderson: My ungodly book speaks to you. On All Hallow’s Eve, when the moon is round, a virgin will summon us from under the ground. Oh oh! We shall be back, and the lives of all the children of Salem will be mine!

[All three witches cackle]

***

Master’s Wife: Aren’t you broads a little old to be trick or treating?

Winifred Sanderson: We’ll be younger in the morning.

Master’s Wife: Yeah, sure, me too.

***

Master’s Wife: Okay that’s it, party’s over! Get out of my house!

Master: Now, puddin’ face…

Master’s Wife: Shove it, Satan!

Sarah: Ooh. Thou mustn’t speak to Master in such a manner.

Master: They call me Master.

Master’s Wife: Wait ’til you see what I’m gonna call you. Now, tart-face, take your Clark bars and get out of my house!

Winifred Sanderson: Make us!

[the witches gather around her]

Master: Honeybunch…

Master’s Wife: Ralph, sic ’em!

[the witches runs out of the house in fear]

***

Winifred Sanderson: Don’t get your knickers in a twist! We’re just three kindly old spinster ladies.

Mary Sanderson: Spending a quiet evening at home.

Sarah: Sucking the lives out of little children!

[Winifred chokes Sarah]

***

Winifred Sanderson: Pull over! Let me see your driver’s permit!

***

Winifred Sanderson: [as she chases Max, Allison, and Dani by truck] Resisting arrest?

***

Winifred Sanderson: Damn, damn, damn, double damn!

***

Sarah: What is this place?

Mary Sanderson: It reeks of children!

Winifred Sanderson: It is a prison for children.

***

Winifred Sanderson: WHY? Why was I cursed with such IDIOT sisters?

Sarah: Just lucky, I guess.

***

[Sarah is pushed onto the “black river”, but lands straight up]

Sarah: ‘Tis firm! ‘Tis firm as stone!

Winifred Sanderson: Why, it’s a road!

***

Voice of Thackery Binx: [after being run over by a city bus] I hate it when that happens…

***

Dani: It’s a full moon tonight. That’s when all the weirdos are out.

***

Max: What happened?

Dani: [disgusted, readjusting her witch’s hat] A virgin… lit the candle.

***

Winifred Sanderson: [Exiting the clay oven where they were lured by a learn-to-speak French tape] Hello, I want my book. Bonjour, je veux mon livre.

***

Max: [looking at the salt can] Well, what does it say?

Allison: Well, it says to form a circle a salt to protect from zombies, witches, and old boyfriends.

Max: And what about new boyfriends?

***

Max: [Over P.A] Welcome to High School Hell. I’m your host, Boris Karloff, Jr. Ha ha ha ha ha!

***

Winifred Sanderson: Well, tell me friend, what is this contraption?

Bus Driver: I call it… a bus.

Winifred Sanderson: A bus. And its purpose?

Bus Driver: To convey gorgeous creatures such as yourselves to your most…

[cracks his knuckle]

Bus Driver: forbidden desires.

Winifred Sanderson: [laughs] Well, fancy! We desire… children.

Bus Driver: Hey, it may take me a couple of tries, but I don’t think there’s gonna be a problem.

***

Billy Butcherson: [to Winifred, after finally freeing his mouth] Wench! Trollop! You buck-toothed, mop-riding firefly from hell!

[Winifred yells offensively]

Billy Butcherson: [to Max] I’ve waited centuries to say that.

Max: [disgusted] Say what you want; just don’t breathe on me!

Winifred Sanderson: Billy! I killed you once, I shall kill you again, you maggoty malfeasence! *Hang on to your heads*!

***

Winifred Sanderson: Therefore, it stands to reason, does it not, sisters dear? That we must find the book, brew the potion and suck the lives out of the children of Salem before sunrise. Otherwise it’s curtains. We evaporate! We cease to exist! Dost thou comprehend?

Mary Sanderson: You explained it beautifully, Winnie. They way in which you started out with the adventure part and slowly…

Sarah: Explained what?

Winifred Sanderson: Come, we fly!

***

Bus Driver: [Encountering the Sanderson Sisters] Bubble, bubble! I’m in trouble!

***

Little Angel: [to the Sanderson sisters] Bless you!

[the sisters scream]

***

Dani: You saved my life.

Max: I had to. I’m your big brother.

Dani: I love you, jerkface.

Max: I love you, too.

***

Dani: [as they plan to go to the Snaderson house] Max, I’m not going up there. My friends at school told me all about that place. It’s weird!

Max: Dani, this is the girl of my dreams.

Dani: So take her to the movies like a normal person.

Max: Dani! Look just do this one thing for me, and I’ll do anything you say. Please? Please? Please?

Dani: Okay, okay. Next year, we go trick-or-treating as Wendy and Peter Pan…

[looks him straight in the eye]

Dani: … with tights or it’s no deal.

Max: [as Dani attempts to leave] Okay, okay, deal, deal.

***

Jay: Oh man, how come it’s always the ugly chicks that stay out late?

Winifred Sanderson: [Winnie, Sarah and Mary stop, turn and glare at the boys] Chicks?

***

Max: You’ve messed with the great and powerful Max! Now you must suffer the consequences! I’m going to summon the burning rain of death!

Winifred Sanderson, Sarah, Mary Sanderson: [murmuring together] The burning rain of death?

Max: [lights lighter]

Winifred Sanderson: Look, he makes fire in his hand.

Max: [raises lighter to sprinkler, and the spreads out his arms wide]

Winifred Sanderson: It’s the burning rain of death! Come, you fools!

[pulls them off to the side]

***

Sarah: Dead man’s toe! Dead man’s toe! Dead! Dead! Dead!

***

Dani: [to Winifred] It doesn’t matter how young or old you are, you sold your soul! You’re the ugliest thing that ever lived, and you know it!

***

Mary Sanderson: Sisters, Satan has married Medusa. See the snakes in her hair.

Bus Driver: Mmm, mmm, mmm! I need one of those instant ice packs. You girls are giving me a fever!

***

Winifred Sanderson: [sings while flying] Book! Come to mommy!

Voice of Thackery Binx: [Jumps on the book to prevent it from floating up to Winifred, with a screech] Afraid not!

Winifred Sanderson: Thackery Binx, thou mangy feline; still alive?

Voice of Thackery Binx: And waiting for you!

Winifred Sanderson: Oh! Thou hast waited in vain. And thou will fail to save thy friends, just as thou failed to save thy sister!

[Screams and swoops down toward the cat]

***

Fireman #1: [after the ‘burning rain of death’ is shut off] Teenagers again.

Fireman #2: I HATE Halloween!

***

Dani: Officer! Officer!

Allison: Officer, we need your help.

Cop: What’s the problem?

Dani: [to Max] Tell him.

Allison: Go ahead.

Max: [nervously] Well, um – well, you see – I just moved here. Well, you see? It’s like this: I – I broke into the old Sanderson house and I brought the witches back from the dead. See, I even have the book.

Cop: [disapprovingly] You lit the Black-Flamed Candle?

Max: Yeah.

Cop: Come on. Okay, let’s get on the sidewalk.

Dani: And he’s a virgin.

[the cop stares at them]

Cop: [to Max] Come here.

[Max comes closer to him]

Cop: [whispers] Are you a virgin?

Max: Yeah.

Cop: Really?

Max: Look, I’ll get it tattooed on my forehead, okay?

***

Winifred Sanderson: Oh, cheese and crust! He’s lost his head! Damn that Thackery Binx!

***

Sarah: I am alive!

Winifred Sanderson: Damn that boy, he’s tricked us again.

Mary Sanderson: Oh, you’re right, you’re always right…

Winifred Sanderson: [Interjects] It’s my curse, that and you two! Get off me you thundering oafs!

***

Sarah: Farewell, mortal bus-boy!

***

Max: [after Max drinks the vial] Now you have no choice! You’ll have to take me!

[Winifred soars down to Max]

Winifred Sanderson: What a fool to give us thy life… for thy sister’s.

***

Max: Let’s light this sucker and meet the old broads.

***

Jenny: Hey, Max, how was school?

Max: It sucked!

Dave: Hey, watch your language.

[Max goes upstairs and slams his bedroom door]

Max: I can’t believe you made me move here!

Jenny: Hmm, he wasn’t wearing any shoes.

Dave: Must be some form of protest.

***

Max: [Allison and Dani try attacking Billy] No, no! He’s a *good* zombie.

Dani: Hi Billy!

***

Master: Mary, go long…

[Master throws a candy bar to her]

Master: you could be a tight end.

***

Thackery’s Father: Winifred Sanderson?

Winifred Sanderson: Yes?

Thackery’s Father: I will ask thee one final time.

Winifred Sanderson: Yes?

Thackery’s Father: What hast thou done with my son, Thackery?

Winifred Sanderson: Thackery? Hmmm…

Thackery’s Father: ANSWER ME!

Winifred Sanderson: Well, I don’t know… Cat’s got my tongue.

[thunder clash]

***

Max: [suddenly startled by Dave in a vampire costume] Oh! Dad.

Dave: It’s not dad. It’s Dadcula.

[see’s Allison]

Dave: Oh, my goodness. Who must this charming young blood donor be?

[kisses Allison’s hand]

Max: Dad! Something terrible happened.

Dave: [suddenly concerned] Dani? What’s wrong? Wh – wh…

Max: No, Dani’s fine.

Dave: [sighs] Good.

[to Allison]

Dave: Excuse me. Come here.

[he leads Max away]

Dani: [looks for Jenny, and finds her] Mom?

[Jenny turns around in a Madonna costume]

Dani: Mom?

Jenny: Hmm?

Dani: What are you supposed to be?

Jenny: Madonna. Well, you know – Well, obviously. Don’t ya think?

Dave: Shoot, Max. Look, whatever it is, just tell me.

Dani: [to Jenny] Come here.

Jenny: What?

Dani: This cat here, Binx, right? He can talk. My brother’s a virgin: he lit the black flame candle. The witches are back from the dead and they’re after us. We need help.

Jenny: How much candy have you had, honey?

Dani: Mom, I haven’t O.D.’d. I haven’t even had a piece. They’re real witches, they can fly, and they’re gonna eat all the kids in Salem. They’re real!

Jenny: All right, let’s just find your father.

***

Emily: Thackery Binx? Where are you, Thackery Binx?

***

Allison: Officer, this is not a prank!

Dani: Really!

Cop: HEY! I put my life on the line to protect this community, and you punks pull this? Get outta here.

Allison: [runs off in fear with Max, Dani, and Binx] Come on, Dani.

Cop: And take that cat with you.

[the cop laughs]

Cop’s Girlfriend: [comes out wearing a Halloween costume] What’s so funny, Eddie?

Cop: Ah, just a bunch of kids pulling my chain. They thought I was a real cop.

[his girlfriend laughs]

***

[the spell is broken as the party guests come out all beat and sweaty]

Jenny: [singing and laughing] I put a spell on you…

Dave: And I thought L.A. was a party town.

***

Bus Driver: Babo, babo! Here comes trouble.

***

Mary Sanderson: It’s the chocolate-covered finger of a man named Clark!

***

[repeated line, usually when Max is about to do something bold but dumb]

Dani: [gasping] Max, no!

***

Winifred Sanderson: Sisters! Behold!

Sarah: I. Am. Beautiful! Boys will love me!

Mary Sanderson: [claps excitedly] We’re young!

Winifred Sanderson: Well… youngER. But! It’s a start!

Mary Sanderson: [the sisters dance laughing] Oh my, Winifred, you are the mere sprig of a girl!

***

Dani: [Winnie swooping down to take Dani] MAX!

***

Thackery Binx: Take good care of Dani, Max, you’ll never know how precious she is until you lose her.

***

Dani: You know, Binx, I’ll always take care of you, and my children will take care of you too, and their children after that, and their children after that… forever, and ever.

***

Jay: Let’s have a butt.

Max: No thanks, I don’t smoke.

Ernie “Ice”: They’re very health conscious in Los Angeles.

[Jay and Ice laugh]

Jay: You got any cash? Hollywood?

Max: No.

Ernie “Ice”: Gee, we don’t get any smokes from you. We don’t get any cash. What am I supposed to do with my afternoon?

Max: Maybe you could learn to breathe through your nose.

[Jay laughs but stops as Ice offensively glares at him]

***

Ernie “Ice”: [Jay and Ice are locked in cages] Hollywood, help us out here!

[Max takes Ice’s shoes]

Max: Tubular.

[Ice whimpers]

***

Thackery Binx: Elijah! Elijah!

[he runs up to Elijah]

Thackery Binx: Hast thou seen my sister Emily?

Elijah: Nay. But look.

[he points to purple smoke in the sky]

Elijah: They conjure.

Thackery Binx: Oh, God. The woods!

[he and Elijah run towards the field and see Sarah leading Emily into the woods]

Thackery Binx: Emily!

Elijah: She’s done for.

Thackery Binx: Not yet! You wake my father. Summon the elders. Go!

[Elijah races off whie Thackery heads for the woods]

***

Jay: [with a tree filled full of numerous rolls of toilet paper in the background] You want to smash some pumpkins?

Ernie “Ice”: No.

Jay: Well then, do you want to look in windows and watch babes undress?

Ernie “Ice”: It’s 3am. They’re undressed already.

Jay: [throws another roll of toilet paper] Well then, you think of something!

Ernie “Ice”: [grumpy eating candy] Look, I don’t feel so hot.

Jay: It’s because you’re eating too much candy, you oinker!

[hits Ice causing him to drop a piece of candy he was eating]

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