Weekend Roundtable: Eww, Cooties!
Posted by Josh Zyber – July 15, 2016
Why do girls have to ruin everything? We can’t even go to the movies anymore without seeing a bunch of icky women stealing our manly franchises away from us. How would they like it if we took a bunch of their silly chick flicks and remade them for men, as they should have been all along? Yeah! Take that, Melissa McCarthy!!!
M. Enois Duarte
I wonder what a male version of ”˜Beaches”˜ would look like? Obviously, it would have to be a raunchy R-rated comedy with the usual gross-out tropes and gags at the forefront while the weepy melodrama aspect of the story plays as a subplot. Zac Efron can play the Bette Midler character, a self-centered and career-driven personality looking to make it big as a male exotic dancer after being inspired by the first ”˜Magic Mike’ movie. For the Barbara Hershey role, Dave Franco would be perfect as the stuffy corporate type who actually dreams of settling down with the right woman and making a family.
Instead of the two meeting at beaches every few years to catch up with each other’s lives, they have a tradition of meetings at unused bridges, thus calling the movie ”˜Bridges’. When the two childhood friends discover that Franco is dying of some kind of rare testicular cancer, they go on a crazy search to find the perfect donor balls so that Franco can fulfill his white picket fence dreams. This will lead to even more goofy hijinks and raunchy shenanigans. Of course, we all know the story is going to end with Efron at Franco’s bedside and audiences everywhere pulling out the tissue boxes. Because it’s sad, not because of whatever dirty thoughts just crossed your nasty, perverted minds. Get your heads out the gutter!
Although I’ve only seen the first ”˜Pitch Perfect”˜, I can’t imagine that there isn’t already a script ready to go that puts one of the all-male a capella groups into the lead. That group can then spin off into its own movie, one where competitive singing montages are mixed with street racing. This new ”˜Tonal Gear’ franchise will be perfectly formed so that the specific tone of the movies ”“ what with all the constant racing, crashes, arrests and life-ruining moments on one side and the singing competitions that define collegiate pursuits on the other ”“ will baffle audiences. Also, Emilio Estevez should be there to recite all of his inspiration speeches from ”˜The Mighty Ducks’.
Adam Tyner (DVDTalk)
Spud. Drum. Jackson. Sammy. Individually, they were Marines. Together, they are”¦ ”˜STEEL MAGNOLIAS”˜. Blood red is their signature color. This elite squad racked up more than 650 confirmed kills throughout the grueling campaign in the North Korean province of Chinquapin. Just when they thought they’d put an end to the reign of Kim Jung-Ouiser, the sinister dictator blasts Jackson with a faceful of experimental nerve toxin before scurrying away like the rat he is. Jackson seems okay for a while, but one by one, his organs start to fail. When it comes to pain and suffering, he’s right up there with Elizabeth Taylor, and the decorated Marine now lays comatose. The only known antidote is locked away in Ouiser’s mountain fortress. A boil on the butt of humanity, he is evil, and he must be destroyed.
He has a head for business and a bod for sin. Ambitious but fashion-challenged Jersey hunk Ted McGill moves to the big city to take a job working for a high-powered stockbroker. Although he has to start as a lowly secretary, he knows how to seize an opportunity when he sees one. When his back-stabbing boss breaks a leg skiing and gets stranded in Aspen, Ted takes his place and engineers a major financial merger he has no authority to execute. In the process of this blatant fraud, he also finds love with another executive who happens to be his boss’ girlfriend. Hijinks, as they say, ensue.
Let the river run! Here comes the ”˜Working Boy”˜!
Why remake ”˜Working Girl”˜ with a male lead, you may ask? Well, for one thing, this time we might wind up with a movie that has some faint understanding of how the business world actually works, which the original doesn’t. That would be an improvement. For a little added fan-service that audiences today apparently require, we can even bring back Harrison Ford but make him play the Sigourney Weaver character.