“I hope this isn’t presumptuous of me … I’ve learned that if I don’t toot my own horn, no one else will!” So writes two-time Oscar-winning film composer and comedy writer Marc Shaiman in a note we received here last Friday.
Shaiman recently scored the super-hit “The First Wives Club” – and he wrote special lyrics (to the tune of “Everything’s Coming Up
Roses”) for his “First Wives” star Bette Midler to sing at the Hollywood Fire & Ice Ball. It ends with: “Everything’s gonna be tabloids and tummy tucks!”
Very clever, Marc: go right ahead and be presumptuous.
Everything’s Coming Up Grosses
(Stephen Sondheim/Marc Shaiman)
“Things look swell/Things look great/I’ve got 5% of the gate
Who’d have dreamt/I’m faklempt
Because everything’s coming up grosses.
Clear the decks/Clear the tracks/It’s a shanda I have to pay tax
Even so/I’m aglow/Because everything’s coming up grosses
Though we’re 50/We’re the cream of the crop/Ain’t it nifty/I can stop shopping at Thrifty
At the top/In my prime/On the cover of People and Time . . .
I’ve been broodin/’Bout whose part was the best/I’m concluding’/Goldie had sex with Scott Rudin
Curtain up/Light the lights/Don’t believe what you read/
There were fights
I’m L.A.’s latest smash/I’m New York’s queen of trash
My movie’s cleaning up and so am I
Honey everything’s coming up/Back end and bonus points
Everything’s gonna be/G-4’s and bidding wars
Everything’s gonna be/tabloids and tummy tucks
Everything’s coming up grosses for me. . .
You know, what I really wanna do is direct!
And for you.