â€œI hope this isnâ€™t presumptuous of me … Iâ€™ve learned that if I donâ€™t toot my own horn, no one else will!â€ So writes two-time Oscar-winning film composer and comedy writer Marc Shaiman in a note we received here last Friday.
Shaiman recently scored the super-hit â€œThe First Wives Clubâ€ â€” and he wrote special lyrics (to the tune of â€œEverythingâ€™s Coming Up
Rosesâ€) for his â€œFirst Wivesâ€ star Bette Midler to sing at the Hollywood Fire & Ice Ball. It ends with: â€œEverythingâ€™s gonna be tabloids and tummy tucks!â€
Very clever, Marc: go right ahead and be presumptuous.
Everythingâ€™s Coming Up Grosses
(Stephen Sondheim/Marc Shaiman)
â€œThings look swell/Things look great/Iâ€™ve got 5% of the gate
Whoâ€™d have dreamt/Iâ€™m faklempt
Because everythingâ€™s coming up grosses.
Clear the decks/Clear the tracks/Itâ€™s a shanda I have to pay tax
Even so/Iâ€™m aglow/Because everythingâ€™s coming up grosses
Though weâ€™re 50/Weâ€™re the cream of the crop/Ainâ€™t it nifty/I can stop shopping at Thrifty
At the top/In my prime/On the cover of People and Time . . .
Iâ€™ve been broodin/â€™Bout whose part was the best/Iâ€™m concludingâ€™/Goldie had sex with Scott Rudin
Curtain up/Light the lights/Donâ€™t believe what you read/
There were fights
Iâ€™m L.A.â€™s latest smash/Iâ€™m New Yorkâ€™s queen of trash
My movieâ€™s cleaning up and so am I
Honey everythingâ€™s coming up/Back end and bonus points
Everythingâ€™s gonna be/G-4â€™s and bidding wars
Everythingâ€™s gonna be/tabloids and tummy tucks
Everythingâ€™s coming up grosses for me. . .
You know, what I really wanna do is direct!
And for you.