In Honor Of Miss M’s Birthday: 25 Of Her Divine Quotes

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Purple Clover
From sharp and insightful to funny and outrageous—sometimes all at once—her wit is the wind beneath … well, you know
December 1, 2018

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Not for nothing do we call her the Divine Miss M. Here, in honor of her birthday, are 25 funny wisecracks, astute observations and two-bit opinions from Bette Midler.

• On Her Sense of Ambition: “I want it all—and I would like it delivered.”

• On Standing Out From the Crowd: “If only I’d known my differentness would be an asset, then my earlier life would have been much easier.”
• On Power: “I firmly believe that with the right footwear, one can rule the world.”
• On Housework: “My idea of Superwoman is someone who scrubs her own floors.”
• On Her Gay Fans: “Thank God for the gays. I don’t know what would have happened, but I know what did happen. Good for them and good for me.”
• On Nightlife: “I try not to drink too much because when I’m drunk, I bite.”
• On Camp: “I wouldn’t say I invented tacky, but I definitely brought it to its present high popularity.”
• On Princess Anne: “Such an active, outdoorsy lass. She loves nature in spite of what it did to her.”
• On Helen Reddy: “She ought to be arrested for loitering in front of an orchestra.”
• On Madonna: “The only thing Madonna will ever do like a virgin is give birth in a stable.”

• On the Limits of Happiness: “Total contentment is only for cows.”
• On Moderation: “I feel like a million tonight—but one at a time.”
• On Johnny Carson’s Retirement: “Johnny, what are going to do with all that free time? I mean, Wimbledon only comes one week a year.”
• On What Goes Through Her Head: “Sometimes my brain goes on CD shuffle. You know you put a bunch of CDs on and hit play and random things come out.”
• On Her Husband: “I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.”
• On What She Likes in a Man: “If somebody makes me laugh, I’m his slave for life.”
• On the Code, She Lives By: “I have my standards. They’re low, but I have them.”
• On Sisterhood: “Honey, I can smell the scent of another woman from 500 paces.”
• On Aging: “After 30, a body has a mind of its own.”

• On Resisting Conformity:  “Cherish forever what makes you unique, ’cause you’re really a yawn if it goes.”
• On Playing an Instrument: “If you pick up a ukulele, it will make you unbelievably happy.”
• On Winning: “You have to think you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread, but you have to know that you’re not.”
• On Having “Work” Done: “I wish America would spend even half as much time complaining about plastics in our oceans as we do about actresses’ plastic surgery.”
• On the Past: “I never look back. ‘Cause if you’re looking back, you can’t go forward.”
• Getting Back to Her Favorite Subject: “Enough about me. What do you think about me?”