Bootleg Betty
Happy Thanksgiving, BetteHeads!
By Mister D
Nov. 27, 2025
Happy Thanksgiving from Bootleg Betty, the discount Bette Midler your mom accidentally hired for your bat mitzvah! May your turkey be moist (unlike your cousin Kyle’s personality), your gravy thicker than the tension when Uncle Ron finds out you voted early, and your pie so sweet it gives diabetes to your enemies.
If anyone asks why you’re still single, just smile, take a long sip of boxed wine, and whisper, “I’m holding out for a man who can handle these hips and my emotional damage. Table for one, darling.”
Pro tip: Hide the good pills before Grandma discovers the cranberry sauce isn’t the only thing that’s sauced.
Eat like tomorrow the Ozempic shortage ends, dance like the neighbors already hate you, and remember: family is just the people you can’t block in real life.
Gobble till you wobble, then blame the tryptophan when you fall face-first into the pumpkin pie. I love you hoes more than Bette loves a wind machine and a tragic backstory.
Happy Thanksgiving, BetteHeads!
