Mister D:Funny, I always thought it was due to heavy drinking a la Sex and the City. Who knew it was a gift??? đ BTW, they should add “Friends” to the playlist at the end….it’s a no brainer!
San Jose Mercury News
Women have a gift for making deep, complex friendships
By Bruce Newman
Published: Sunday, September 19, 2010
SAN JOSE, Calif. | The qualities that make womenâs friendships special remain cloaked in the mists of cultural myth and gender stereotypes â the ermine and pearls of the war between the sexes. A recent example surfaced during a camping trip that forms a cultural counterpoint to the fictional gal-pal gatherings of HBOâs âSex and the City,” with flannel taking the place of Fendi, Birkenstocks instead of Blahniks.
On an annual outing with their families, the group of eight women â who gathered daily at the Parents Nursery School playground in Palo Alto, Calif., a dozen years ago â resumed the easy exchange of mixed feelings, shared insecurities and hot flashes from the warâs front lines that began at the cooperative preschool when they were young mothers.
âWe felt like we could talk about anything,” recalls Lucinda Abbott, 52, whose two daughters now attend Palo Alto High. âAll our problems with child rearing, how fat you felt you were, whether or not you were going to get Lasik. That was one of the best periods in my life for friendship.”
What Abbott refers to as âthe talk, talk, talk” of those friendships gave them a lively, limber quality that allowed them to endure, even as life intruded. This is the great gift, or gene, that women have for strong attachments, a prize that is theirs alone.
Compared to men, womenâs friendships are quicker to light and launch; cover an emotional landscape more varied than a Neverland of sports and strippers; and find in the expression of their own vulnerability an intimacy and strength.
But that willingness to explore everything, to extract meaning from most things and to let go of absolutely nothing inevitably creates drama. Strong feelings often make small transgressions seem like terrible betrayals. Sometimes, when womenâs friendships crash, it can be devastatingly final. But it is also within their capacity to love each other so much that they are better able to forgive one another than men.
The determination many women have to get quickly to the heart of things, to talk problems through in a way that would exhaust most men, has led to a fundamental misunderstanding: that women are gossips. But one of the great strengths of their gender is the ability women have to keep each otherâs secrets.
It starts with the sort of deep, layered conversations that men rarely have. âIt doesnât actually solve any problems, but it feels so affirming,” Abbott says. âI think thatâs what women do when we talk. Weâre affirming our love for each other. To me, it almost feels like going back to the village square, when the women were all doing their laundry together.”
On âSex and the City,” Carrie Bradshaw suggests at one point that she and her helpmate harem become each otherâs soulmates. They would only require men for fun.
âAnd I was like, âËThatâs it! She nailed it,â” says Chrystal Bougon, who organized a recent Ladies Night Out party that started with Diva-tinis and ended at a showing of âEat, Pray, Love.” âI donât want to say itâs impossible to have a male soulmate, but Iâve been with the same guy for 23 years â love him! â but itâs just not the same, you know? We speak a different language.”
Apart from the occasional âIron John” chest pounding sessions, itâs unlikely there are male gatherings where as much bonding takes places as the âpleasure parties” Bougon organizes for groups of girlfriends through her San Jose sex toy business, Bliss Connection. Her recent presentation of lingerie and lubricants for the wives of a local pro sports team went characteristically well. Everybody talked and laughed for three hours.
And yet the fabric that holds such evenings together isnât lace; it is sterner stuff derived from difficult phone calls late at night, when someone has lost a child, or found a lump, that bind women together.
Bougon says her husband often gets frustrated that she has many more friends than he does. One of her pals is going through the same thing. âHer husband has no friends, and heâs mad about it,” she says. âHeâs a 50-year-old man. Where does he go to make new friends? For that reason alone, I would not want to be a guy. It seems so sad and lonely.”
Women seem to understand that to have great friends you must be a great friend.
âThatâs what I try to explain to men,” Bougon says. âIf you want to have really deep, meaningful friendships, then maybe youâre the one who needs to take a risk and (befriend) somebody male.”
Women have fewer barriers to friendship, according to sociologist Scott Swain, because they more easily show their feelings. Women relate to each other face-to-face, he says, while menâs friendships are typically conducted side-by-side â watching sports, fishing, drinking beer.
âWomen can say, âËYouâre my best friend,â ” explains Swain, author of a chapter in the book âGender in Intimate Relationships” and now head counselor at Las Lomas High School in Walnut Creek, Calif. âWith men, things are much more implicit” â a quick fist pump, a back slap, a nod.
When sociologist Karen Walker interviewed women in the workplace for a study about gender and friendship, she found many expressed guilt for not always being caring at the office. âBecause these women werenât able to share their intimate thoughts and feelings in a business setting, some responded that they werenât very good friends,” Walker says.
Helene Lavelle has concentric circles of friends, the widest of which she categorizes as âclose,” narrowing to a more select group of mostly female âbest” friends, and an inner circle of her âdearest” pals â all women. But after 26 years in sales for Silicon Valley tech companies, Lavelle rarely mixes those groups.
She knows the difference between making friends and networking. âSome friendships can be based on not a lot,” she says. âThere was a lot of that going on in Silicon Valley years ago.”
One of the distinguishing characteristics of womenâs friendships is their complexity, which is why, as she navigates middle age, Lavelle cherishes the relationships she already has with her female friends, but isnât looking for any others.
âThereâs a lot of drama with women, and I hate drama,” she says. âI donât have time for it. Get a grip. Thatâs why menâs relationships tend to be cleaner. Thereâs no funny business.”
In Gail Caldwellâs new memoir, âLetâs Take the Long Way Home,” the author tells a female friend, âMen donât really understand womenâs friendships, do they?”
âOh, God, no,” her friend replies. âAnd we must never tell them.”
MaryLynne Rodriguez tells them.
Rodriguez, a 32-year-old guidance counselor at Presentation High School, and her husband consider each other their best friends. They tell each other everything, and in MaryLynneâs case, that includes unraveling the mysteries of her friendships with the women she grew up with. She recently took an introductory hip-hop class with one of her few unmarried girlfriends, determined not to allow that difference come between them.
Rodriguez says her friendships help define her. âAt work Iâm the college counselor; at home Iâm mommy and the housekeeper; but with my friends Iâm just MaryLynne â a silly person whoâs fun to be around,” she says. âIt makes me remember who I am, and who I was, when Iâm with my friends.”
Friendship Playlist
1. âYouâve Got a Friend,” James Taylor
2. âLean On Me,” Bill Withers
3. âYouâve Got a Friend in Me,” Randy Newman
4. âWaiting on a Friend,” The Rolling Stones
5. âWith a Little Help From My Friends,” the Beatles
6. âThatâs What Friends Are For,” Dionne Warwick and others
7. âCisco Kid,” War
8. âMoon River,” Audrey Hepburn
9. âFor Good,” from âWicked”
10. âFriends,” Whodini
11. âThank You for Being a Friend,” Andrew Gold
12. âBen,” Michael Jackson
13. âYouâre My Best Friend,” Queen
14. âIâll Be There for You,” the Rembrandts
15. âUmbrella,” Rihanna
16. âYou Want to Be My Friend?” from âCloser Than Ever”
17. âThe Painter,” Neil Young
18. âArtesia,” Dave Alvin
19. âWind Beneath My Wings,” Bette Midler
20. âHe Ainât Heavy, Heâs My Brother,” the Hollies
3 thoughts on “Women have a gift for making deep, complex friendships”
Mr. D:)! Thank you very much for posting this article — I have the actual newspaper with me coz I saved it and then forgot to tell you:(. I am really delighted to see the article here and you can castigate me for forgetting, LOL!! xox
Mr. D:)! Thank you very much for posting this article — I have the actual newspaper with me coz I saved it and then forgot to tell you:(. I am really delighted to see the article here and you can castigate me for forgetting, LOL!! xox
Castigate, castigate, castigate Anne!!!!!
LOL!!!