Vanity Fair
11:15 AM, MAY 30 2014
Amy Poehler Spoke at the New York Restoration Project Picnic, Because Most People Think She Works for the Parks Department, Anyway
by Bennett Marcus
Amy Poehler showed up at Grant’s Tomb on Thursday to deliver the opening remarks at the New York Restoration Project’s spring picnic. Inside a tent by the Hudson River, in one of the parks that the organization has rehabilitated, N.Y.R.P. founder Bette Midler and guests including Cynthia Nixon, Mayor Bill de Blasio and Chirlane McCray, Bernadette Peters, Dr. Mehmet Oz, Melissa Leo, Josh Charles, Tim Gunn, Liz Smith, and Michael Kors, took in Poehler’s wacky stream-of-consciousness routine, complete with a heckler smack-down and a shout-out to her trainer, Razu. Enjoy the entire speech, which we hear was at least partially improvised, right here:
Welcome to the N.Y.R.P.’s 2014 spring picnic. Congratulations on your hard work, many of you have raised money and given money to be here tonight, and it’s significant, your accomplishments this year.
Because I play a Parks and Recreation employee on my NBC show, people assume that that is my actual job. So more than once when I’ve been hiking, or walking in a green area, people have asked me where to go, or what are the indigenous plants, or how do they deal with their raccoon infestations. But, however, I am just an actress, here to support the good work done by N.Y.R.P. And I have to say that this organization was green before green was cool. Now everything is green. Just ask Katy Perry’s hair.
So, I first met Bette Midler, in my head, when I watched the film The Rose. And since then, [she] and I have been best friends–in my head. In my head, she and I have traveled together. We have cut an album, and we pranked George Clooney. She’s the godmother to the children of mine that she has never met. And once, Bette turned to me in a dream and said, ”˜Amy, you are the most talented person I have ever met. I hate to say, this kills me, but you’re more talented than me. I bless you, and I release you to god.’ And then she turned into a million doves, and flew away.
But we all know that through all of your hard work and Bette’s hard work, that this organization is doing what I do–what I pretend to do–which is turning lots, empty lots, taking them out of the hands of greedy developers, and making sure that they turn into green spaces. And I have to tell you guys, what I do is harder. I’m so sorry to say this, but I have to get into makeup, and I have to memorize lines, and it’s hard. Sometimes I have to go to fancy parties like this. And if there’s just anything you can take away from today’s event, it’s that being an actor is very, very hard.
[Someone in the crowd claps.] Thank you. Thank you, sir. You understand. I appreciate you. Do you have a Nielsen box? No? Then fuck off, I don’t care.
O.K. So, I would like to thank you for this award. [Pauses, looks around.] Am I not getting an award? Huh. I just assumed I was up here getting an award. Well, Bette promised me an award. She told me if I came, that I would get an award, I would meet Nathan Lane, and that everything on my table was edible. Which is not true, because I ate those peonies, and it was disgusting.
O.K. Well, I cannot read my speech, but, um, all right, well . . . I’m just going to wait. Oh, I do have to, before I go, mention one person who has changed my life. And I’m not mentioning him because he paid for my ticket to get here, and he put me up at the Sheraton, I mention him because he’s a genius. Razu? Is my trainer here? Razu? Razu, are you here? My trainer. Razu? He’s so shy. Razu? Razu–there he is. [Points to some vague spot.] Razu got my body back into shape, and it only took eight years. So Razu just wanted you to know, you can find him at his Web site, WorkItTillItHurts.edu.
I’m sorry, I got off track. Anyway, O.K., let’s get started. This evening is going to be fantastic. I really hope that you drink enough to feel very generous. It’s a beautiful night, Grant is sleeping in his tomb. You know, the N.Y.R.P. is considered the conservancy of forgotten places, which sounds like J.K. Rowling’s next book. It is, in fact, an organization that does a lot of good work. So thank you for having me. Thank you to everyone here for your hard work. Thank you, Bette, for agreeing to sing at my friend’s bat mitzvah. You don’t know that yet.
I’m off, I have to go to another fundraiser. I’m doing a ”˜tight 10’ at a fundraiser de Blasio is throwing for ferret rights. I have to tell you something about those suckers, they don’t like to wait, O.K.? They get really nasty. So enjoy your evening, thank you so much.”
