10 Things That Still Bother Me About “Hocus Pocus”
June 19, 2014
I should start by saying that Hocus Pocus is obviously ridiculous, but also wonderful. It’s the only movie that breaks through my cynical millennial heart-husk and reminds me of a better time in all of our lives; a time when wearing tie dye shirts was hip as shit, and Sarah Jessica Parker had a pretty normal face. Let’s revisit that time…
1) Thackery Binx is Not a Real Name
You read that right. His name is THACKERY. Not Zachery, THACKERY. I’ve been calling this guy Zachery for 20 years, and when somebody finally corrected me, boy did I feel like a goon. I don’t know who convinced the writers that “Thackery” was some kind of old-timey colonial pilgrim name, but I looked it up, and it has literally never been a name of anything ever. Look, if you’re going to give a character an almost-name like that, you at least have to address it in the movie. Like, “Wait, you’re name’s THackery? Like with a T-H? Huh. Kind of fucking weird. Anyway, we’ve got to get to the party and warn everybody!” In conclusion, obviously never name anybody Thackery or Thelsea (mom), because it’s total confusing bullshit and everyone knows it.
2) Max Is a Virgin??
Ummmmmm…no he’s not. Come on, look at that dreamy 90s stud, cuddling like a pro. He’s lived in L.A. his whole life, he’s sweet, confident, he plays pretty decent drums, and he has killer hair; who wouldn’t hit that? …Wait, what? He’s 17 years old? Uh….Yeah, he’s a loser virgin, and I definitely don’t dream about him every single night.
3) Dani’s Demon-Screech Somehow Doesn’t Get Her in Trouble
Max refuses to take his little sister trick or treating because he’s kind of a terrible brother, and as a result she immediately lets out a deafening Hellish war cry from the depths of her inner-most bowels. A bit of an overreaction, don’tcha think, Dani? If I ever screamed like this inside the house, you can forget trick or treating, buddy boy; I would have been stuck lotioning my grandma’s calves for a goddamn lunar month. Use your inside voice, you spoiled jerk. I hate your big weird teeth, too.
4) Too Many Lighters at the Sanderson House
If everyone in this town is SO into Halloween and superstitions, WHY IN THE NAME OF POSEIDON’S TRIDENT WOULD THEY KEEP SHELVES UPON SHELVES OF LIGHTERS THREE FEET FROM A CANDLE THAT, WHEN LIT, SUMMONS THREE OF THE MOST EVIL CREATURES TO EVER INHABIT SALEM? You’d think the people of this town would be a little more cautious with their ancient cursed satanic candles.
5) The Talking Cat Never Talks When It’s Convenient
Everyone loves an animal sidekick, especially when it’s a sassy, 17th century kitty cat. But one thing I never understood about this fluffy cynic, who apparently knows EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING, is when he chooses to talk. When his buckle-clad parents show up looking for him when he’s first turned into a cat, he rubs his body on his dad’s legs, meowing tragically as his pop yells “Away, beast!” So his parents are doomed to live their lives never knowing what happened to their beloved son. But why didn’t Thackery (UGH) just tell his parents what was up? You know, like, “Hey. I’m an immortal cat now. This is probably gonna put a bit of a strain on the family dynamic, but I think in the long run we can adjust and cope with it. You ARE gonna have to look at my butthole a lot though LOL #SorryNotSorry.” More importantly, right before Max lights the Black Flame Candle, Thackery (UUUGGHH) pounces on his face in a futile attempt to stop him. WHY NOT JUST TELL HIM NOT TO LIGHT IT? MAKE BETTER CHOICES, THACKERY. YOU ARE 100% THE WORST CANDLE-GUARD EVER.
6) Fireproof Witches
Winnie Mary and Sarah were killed EASILY by being hanged, but a giant industrial walk-in oven (in the middle of a high school for some reason) can’t quite do the trick. This is directly contradictory to every piece of witch lore that has ever been written, from Hansel and Gretel to Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and if we aren’t faithful to Monty Python, then what do we even have?
7) The Massive Amount of Unsupervised Children
It’s 4:00 a.m. Do you know where your child is? If you live in Salem, then you absolutely don’t give a fuck even a little bit.
8) The Classic, Yet Always Annoying Moment When Several Characters Burst into Choreographed Song and Dance out of Absolutely Nowhere
I Put a Spell on You. THIS. SONG. I love this modern, catchy pop ballad that Winnie completely improvises off the top of her head that actually samples a Screamin’ Jay Hawkins song that was written in 1956 so how would she ever have heard it because she’s been dead for 300 years and she doesn’t even know what a goddamn bus is. I can only be SO upset at this loophole in logic, because I do jam out to this song on the way to work most days. This scene truly encapsulates the spirit of a nonsensical 90s high school movie, but with even worse hair; and that’s why we love it.
9) The Salt That Alison NEVER Uses Because She’s Useless and Max Only Likes Her for Her Yabos.
Two thirds of the way through the movie, Alison discovers that salt is super effective against the witches. So why doesn’t she just make a big circle of salt around the gang and play dominoes until the sun comes up? Come on, Alison, you sexy idiot, use your head. In her defense, she DOES make a circle of salt around Dani in the final climactic scene, but Dani is essentially the Halloween version of Carl, so she stays in there for all of five seconds before jumping out to help her adulterous zombie friend put his decapitated head back on. This movie’s weird.
10) Max Is Actually Kind of a Psychopath
After the Sanderson Sisters capture street youths Jay and Ice, their deaths are certain. That is, until the hero Max shows up to save the day! Max bursts into the cabin, outsmarts the witches, and rescues his kid sister! YYYEAHH, GET IT, MAX!!! Now to save your classmates! Wait, what are you doing? Are you…are you just taking his shoes and leaving? Dude, let them out of the cages!! They don’t have any food or water! I know they picked on you a little and took your candy, but do they really deserve to di-oh, wait. Yep, he’s gone. He straight-up bounced. Way to take the high road, Max. As the credits roll, we see the two unenthusiastically singing “Row Your Boat” as they dangle helplessly, dying a slow, horrible death, either from starvation or dehydration, most likely fermenting in their own urine and feces. The moral of Hocus Pocus? Don’t fuck with beautiful teenage virgins from L.A., because they will steal your shoes, they will summon evil witches from the dead, and if you take their candy they will leave you to die in a puddle of your own excrement. Thanks for the life lesson, Disney!