Lexington Herald Leader: New laws require ‘gaydar,’ genital scans (LOL)

Lexington Herald Leader
Contributing columnist
April 3, 2016


We certainly don’t want North Carolina to get ahead of us in anything, especially this time of year.

So we are rushing to pass a law like theirs which allows businesses to refuse to serve people who gnaw on other people of the same sex, now called “gay” people, a term which will lead to even further revisions about summer in My Old Kentucky Home.

These laws are designed to protect people who think they are better than other people from the people they think they are better than. For instance, county clerks who choose to can issue marriage licenses that look like play money or those certificates you got as a kid for eating your Wheaties.

But more importantly, businesses can refuse to do business with people who are gay, and we are just now beginning to realize the implications of that policy.

Now the only people who know for sure that someone else is gay are gay people. They call that “gaydar.” So that simply means that every restaurant who wants to keep gay people out will have to hire at least one gay person to meet them at the door and decide whether to check “homo” or “hetero.”

These will be called gaytre’d’s, and their judgment will be foolproof, but you have to threaten to fire them if they take the phone numbers of those excluded.

This means new employment opportunities for gay people other than hairdressing; but some businesses, like flower shops, can promote from within.

Restaurants who refuse to hire a gaytre’d will take the risk of allowing gay people in to eat, but here are a few tips on how to weed them out. Just have your greeter administer a few simple tests.

First, have the greeter run off any male who is real pretty looking and any female wearing khakis. Show the hungry people some color combinations and see if they pick gay ones. Ask them to sing a verse from a Bette Midler song and if they can, show them the door.

If your prospective customer is male, see if he knows the current leader on Dancing With the Stars, and if he answers but complains that it should be somebody else, send him dancing off to McDonald’s. If the customer is female, ask her to name the coach’s of three girls basketball teams.

Despite all this precaution, some three-dollar bill types will slip in. So that they will not disgrace sodomy, have all your customers sit opposite one another. Do not allow anybody to sit side-by-side.

More difficult is this transgender thing.

You don’t want them using the parking lot as a bathroom, which is exactly what will happen in those states where the law makes them use the bathroom of their birth sex, where they could get raped by heteros.

The answer is technology.

The government can keep an index of photographs of the genitals of all Americans on file and before somebody goes into the bathroom they can display to a camera and an electronic database will decide if they are a man or a woman. Then they will either be let in or be sent to the parking lot.

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