Pacific Stars And Stripes
December 25, 1991
HOLLYWOOD – Movie and TV stars, naughty and nice, have high hopes Santa will stop by this Christmas with a sack full of goodies.
Because stars can afford to fill their garages with Rolls-Royces, their swimming pools with vintage champagne, their closets with mink and their safe deposit vaults with Tiffany trifles, it isn’t easy for jolly old Saint Nick to come up with gifts.
But in the spirit of the season, here are a few suggestions for celebrities who have everything:
Nick Nolte – An Oscar for “The Prince of Tides.”
Madonna – Humility lessons from Oliver Stone.
Arnold Schwarzenegger – Elocution instruction from Bob Hoskins.
Warren Beatty – A trip to the altar.
Annette Bening – A stroll with Warren.
Pee-wee Herman – Lifetime subscription to Playboy.
Kevin Costner – Lead in “Robin Hood Meets Lee Harvey Oswald.”
Tom Hanks – A sequel to “Big.1
Bette Midler – A weekend with Geraldo.
Roseanne Barr – A fling with Michael J. Fox.
Geraldo Rivera – Two years adrift at sea with Phil Donahue.
Candy Bergen – Presidency of NOW.
Martin Short – Contract with the Boston Celtics.
Eddie Murphy – Humility lessons from Madonna
Tom Selleck – Vocal coaching from Bea Arthur.
Carol Burnett – A Nielsen rating.
Elizabeth Taylor – A return to movies.
Cher – A matching posterior tattoo.
Steven Spielberg – Moviegoers get “Hooked.”
Bruce Willis – Nude cover on Gentleman’s Quarterly.
Demi Moore – Framed, autographed copy of the cover.
Sean Penn – “Whatever Happened To . . .” update.
Oprah Winfrey – See Geraldo Rivera.
“Cheers” – Prohibition.
Robin Williams – Hair restorer for shaved chest in “Hook.”
Oliver Stone – Moroccan-bound copy of The Warren Report.
Sylvester Stallone – Both roles in “Rocky Meets Rambo.”
Brian De Palma – A bonfire for his “Vanities.”
Glenn Close – An Oscar nomination for “Meeting Venus.”
Daniel Day Lewis – Sequel titled “My Right Foot.”
Dustin Hoffman – A right “Hook
Michael Jackson – Music video titled “Black or Red (faced).”
Patrick Swayze – “Ghost II.”
Sinead O’Connor – Telly Savalas’ barber.
Michael J. Fox – See Martin Short.
Danny DeVito – See Michael J. Fox & Martin Short.
Peter Coyote – The lead in “Dances with Coyotes.”
Jody Foster – The lead in “Dances with Lambs.” – An Oscar nomination.
Delta Burke – A return to the tube.
“Doogie Howser” – A malpractice suit.
Burt Lancaster – Good health.
Julia Roberts – Fan letter from Kiefer Sutherland.
Kiefer Sutherland – Tinkerbell portrait suitable for framing.
Rob Lowe – See Sean Penn.
Kenny Rogers – Another “Gambler” sequel.
Macaulay Culkin – A date with Joan Collins.
Woody Allen – A movie without Mia Farrow.
Goldie Hawn – A hit. Any kind of hit
