The Dark Truth Of The Delago-Spongebob Split-Up (Thanks Wanda)

Mister D: Well, it was shocking enough to hear Delores Delago break down during her hit show “Fish Tails Over Broadway” or whatever it was called, but this latest bit of info is too, too disturbing!!!! Seems like Spongebob was retaining much, much more than water!….if you catch my drifteroo. This is not for the weak!:

Sunday, January 23, 2005
The Daily Breeze
Sweet, bucktoothed SpongeBob is a homosexual icon? Who knew?
Focus on the Family adds another cartoon character to a hit list that includes a member of the Teletubbies.
By John Bogert

Last time I was in the Vatican I saw figures, male nude figures, cleverly passed off as representations of angels and other heavenly creations when we all know exactly what they are.

Don’t play dumb. All that nudity, all that Renaissance male genitalia amounts to one thing. No, wait, two things: advertising for the homosexual lifestyle and an attack on non-genitalia-oriented family values.

And it doesn’t help that SpongeBob SquarePants has to be dragged kicking and screaming from the closet. Lordy, my little boy, my precious heterosexual (he’d better darn well be) child has been watching this abomination.

I blame myself, of course, and I blame Nickelodeon and the Democrats for creating this homosexual icon in the form of a sweet, bucktoothed tie-bar-wearing sponge who lives in a pineapple under the sea in a place called Bikini Bottom.

What was I thinking? Bikini Bottom? Ever been to South Beach, Miami? Nothing there but bikini bottoms, especially on one section of the beach where all the men seem to be in abnormally good shape, if you catch my drift.

But let it be known that SpongeBob is, and I only just read this in The New York Times, “a well-known camp figure among adult gay men.”

Sorry, son. That short sleeve shirt, clip-on tie, the short pants and ankle socks-wearing icon to alternative lifestyles just got his squishy butt loaded on the same yellow short bus with Bette Midler, Liza Minnelli, her mom Judy and Barry Manilow. Am I missing anyone? Oh yeah, Randolph Scott.

Thank the lord for Dr. James C. Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family for pointing out that SpongeBob’s creators are using his swishy character in what he calls a “pro-homosexual video.” Well, I’m against homosexuals so I am therefore all in favor of Dr. Dobson, whom I had never heard of until I read the NYT piece.

The uproar involves the SpongeGuy and fellow cartoon character travelers Jimmy Neutron (he of the fantastically upswept do) and the always questionable, if you ask me, Barney. Have you ever heard that furry doofus talk?

The video in question is produced by a misguided video producer named Nile Rodgers, who wrote the subversive disco hit “We Are Family” when we all know that we are only family if you happen to think exactly like me. Rodgers claims that this is all a misunderstanding, what liberals might call a failure of reading comprehension, over the name of the group he founded to promote racial understanding after 9-11. His We Are Family Foundation created the music video to teach children about multiculturalism, which we know to be mere buzz for liberalism.

The video runs on TV and nothing in it, claim those who have seen it — including my soon to be reformed son — has anything to do with sexual orientation. In fact, it seems to be about respect. Meanwhile, the blaspheming Rodgers, whom the NYT calls Mr. Rodgers probably to confuse us, thinks that Dr. Dobson has confused them with a Web site belonging to an unrelated gay-supporting group called We Are Family.

But let’s examine the facts. SpongeBob, though an adult sponge, remains unmarried, living alone with a pet snail named Gary who meows and acts strangely catlike. Bob’s best pal is a starfish named Patrick who — and why wasn’t I monitoring this? — he sometimes hugs and holds hands with. Bob’s other neighbor is the grumpy Squidworth, who is male and single and happy like only men without families can be. Together they sometimes watch a show called “The Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy.” Bob is also relentlessly upbeat, good natured, hardworking and helpful, all suspect traits in a sponge.

Well, I’m with Paul Batura, assistant to Mr. Dobson, who claims that Focus On Family (not to be confused with the homosexual-leaning Family On Focus) stands by his SpongeBob accusations.

He stated, “We see the video as an insidious means by which the organization is … potentially brainwashing kids. It’s a classic bait and switch.”

Something that they undoubtedly know all about at Bikini Bottom.

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