BootLeg Betty

BetteBack December 24, 1982: Here’s some special gifts for stars and celebrities

Madison Wisconsin State Journal
December 24, 1982

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HOLLYWOOD – Happy holidays [to you all. And for a sampling of [celebrities: selections from my annual mixed bag of things money most I often can’t buy.

Fred Silverman: A plaque acknowledging the former programming chief of CBS, ABC and NBC as The Father of TV Mediocrity. And a better memory course — as he keeps spouting off about the low state of network television today.

“Taxi” and “Cheers”: Ratings to cheer about.

“Hill Street Blues” character Fay Furlllo (as played by producer Steven Bochco’s wife Barbara Bosson): a new marriage, so she’ll stop interrupting the action with her ongoing whines to ex-mate Frank Furillo.

Ronald and Nancy Reagan: Supersaver tickets on Capital Airlines for all their trips between Washington, D.C., and Santa Barbara. It would certainly be cheaper than revving up Air Force One — we’ve all got to make sacrifices during these difficult times.

Billie Jean King: The love letters to Marilyn Barnett she’s been trying to get back.

Liberace: A new chauffeur.

Johnny Carson: A chauffeur.

Richard Dreyfuss: The same.

David Begelman: An automatic checkwriting machine to simplify his Christmas shopping.

“Indecent Exposure” author David McClintick: A shovel to continue digging.

Cliff Robertson: Stardom in a dozen upcoming films.

The makers of Tylenol: A public relations miracle.

Princess Di: Privacy — or at least respite for a while from attacks by the British gossip chroniclers.

Shelley Winters: Orson Welles designer jeans.

Caspar Weinberger: A backyard silo, to house his own personal MX.

Pia Zadora: Inclusion in the latest edition of “Whatever Happened To?”

Erik Estrada: A copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People” — and the title role in an ongoing production of “The Invisible Man.”

Jane Wyman: A new hair style.

Michael Landon: A hair style.

Jane Fonda, who’s proved as producer of TV’s “9 to 5” that she’s not against exploiting the female form: a Penthouse Magazine layout.

Dorothy Lamour: A feminist remake of “The Road” pictures — with Bob Hope, George Burns and Milton Berle playing the sarong-ed sex symbols.

Phyllis Diller: Bo Derek’s beauty
.
Richard Dawson: A contestant with bad breath — to turn him off kissing all his female “Family Feud” guests.

Rip Taylor: A corn-row wig.

Marty Allen: The same.

Bob Hope: The first TV special from Saturn.

Jill St. John: A safe and sane fourth (marriage).

Charlene Tilton: Enrollment in The American Academy of Dramatic Art. Or any acting academy.

Telly Savalas: Robert Preston’s hair (and hair dryer).

“Laverne & Shirley”: A new title? unless Cindy Williams rejoins the show.

Madame: A bonfire.

Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall: A diploma from the Elizabeth TaylorRichard Burton school of Getting The Most Mileage Out of a Relationship.

Tom Selleck: Commissions from all the Selleck clones vying for stardom on the tube.

To all tv beefcake heroes: Shows that are less crotch-ety.

Robert Urich: Another, better series.

Sammy Davis Jr: A new act.

Willie Nelson: A haircut — and a bottle of shampoo.

Robert Blake: A new T-shirt — and a bottle of deodorant.

Pamela Hensley: Continued crash coaching until she quits mangling her “Texas accent” on “Matt Houston.”

TV Weathermen: Someone to explain the weather to them so they don’t smile while announcing tornadoes.

Charlton Heston and Ed Asner: A peace pipe.

Karl Maiden: A MasterCard.

Steven Spielberg: Son of “E.T.”

Bette Midler: A movie that’s not Jinxed.

Lena Home: More of whatever it is that keeps her looking, sounding and acting like a kid of 20.

Meryl Streep: An Oscar.

Paul Newman: The same.

The TV programming powers: Sights that will focus on quality more often.

The film factories: Room on their production slates for the small, quality picture.

And to us all: A big, big dose of happiness and prosperity

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