the musto list
by Michael Musto


Not long ago, I served you an array of colorfully nasty comments and reviews from the history books, creating a veritable feast of viciousness. Well, there’s more! In fact, there’s apparently an infinite amount of gleefully bitchy remarks out there, and I’ll gladly compile them again and again, just so we learn how it’s done. Here goes:

“I’m glad I’ve given up drugs and alcohol. It would be awful to be like Keith Richards. He’s pathetic. It’s like a monkey with arthritis, trying to go onstage and look young.” — Elton John

“Elton’s writing is limited to songs for dead blondes.” — Keith Richards

“I want to thank everyone who worked on the film, except for Bruce Willis, who is a fucking dick” — Kevin Smith at the wrap party for Cop Out (2010)

“Michael Jackson’s album was only called Bad because there wasn’t enough room on the sleeve for Pathetic.” — Prince

“His music used to be original. Now it’s aboriginal.” — Sir Ernest Newman on Igor Stravinsky

“Someone should make a Kickstarter to get Taylor Swift a booty” — Diplo’s tweet about Taylor Swift

“Should we do something about your tiny penis while we’re at it?” — Lorde’s response to Diplo

“What the hell do people see in Russell Brand — a major loser! Katy Perry must have been drunk when she married Russell.” –Donald Trump’s tweets about Russell Brand in 2014

“@realDonaldTrump are you drunk when you write these tweets? Or does that foam you spray on your bald head make you high I don’t think your daddy left you any witty ripostes, and everything you have you inherited” — Russell Brand’s response

“As the heroine, Meryl Streep tousles her shag-cut brown hair, chews gum, and talks with a twang; she eyes a man, her head at an angle. She has the external details of ‘Okie bad girl’ down pat, but something is not quite right. She has no natural vitality; she’s like a replicant — all shtick.” — Pauline Kael’s review of Silkwood (1983)

“I hate Houston. It’s crawling with bugs. Oh, wait, that’s Whitney Houston. I’m sorry, my bad. Can I just mention that Whitney looked fabulous at the Grammys? She was in mahogany from head to toe.” — Joan Rivers

“Elizabeth Taylor is so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin…I took her to McDonald’s and she got stuck in the arches. I had to butter her thighs to get her out….I took Elizabeth Taylor to SeaWorld. It was so embarrassing. When Shamu the whale jumped out of the water, she asked, ‘Does he come with fries?’ ” — Joan Rivers

“If I found her floating in my pool, I’d punish my dog.”– Joan Rivers on Yoko Ono

“A buxom milkmaid reminiscent of a cow wearing a girdle, and both have the same amount of acting talent.”–Mr. Blackwell re Brigitte Bardot (1962)

“She has a face that belongs to the sea and the wind, with large rocking-horse nostrils and teeth that you just know bite an apple every day.” — Cecil Beaton on Katharine Hepburn

Joan Crawford has slept with every male star at MGM except Lassie.” — Bette Davis

“I wouldn’t piss on Joan Crawford if she was on fire.” — Bette Davis

[After being told that she should only say good things about the dead] “Joan Crawford is dead. Good!” — Bette Davis

“I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.” — Walter Matthau to Barbra Streisand

“Has all the fun and gaiety of a burning orphanage.”– A 1971 Variety review of Harold and Maude (1971)

“Dreadful enough to make most viewers consider gouging out their eyes in order to avoid seeing a second time the spectacle of the world’s most wooden actor pretending to undergo a spiritual crisis.” — Sight and Sound on the Arnold Schwarzenegger film End of Days (1999)

“The movie is of an unbelievable badness; it brings back clichés you didn’t know you knew — they’re practically from the unconscious of moviegoers. To criticize this movie is like tripping a dwarf.” — Pauline Kael on Song of Norway (1970)

“Helen Reddy should be arrested for loitering in front of an orchestra.” –Bette Midler

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