Put-Downs: Celebrities And Their Witty Put-Downs

The Daily Mirror
Best ever put-downs: 30 of the wittiest ways celebrities have insulted their rivals
After the death of one of the great put-down artists Nora Ephron, here’s our guide to who’s the best at saying the worst
By Rachael Bletchly
June 29, 2012

When screenwriter Nora Ephron found out about her husband’s affair her response was typically withering.

“He’d have sex with a Venetian blind,” shrugged the romcom queen behind When Harry Met Sally, who died this week.

Nora, 71, was renowned for her pithy putdowns.

In her honour we’ve collected some of the most memorable celebrity slights..

* “”Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat, she puts ­mayonnaise on her aspirins” Joan Rivers

* “”What problems do you have, apart from being blind, unemployed and a moron?” John McEnroe to Wimbledon spectator

* “”The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers” Woody Allen

* “She ran the whole gamut of the emotions from A to B.” Critic Dorothy Parker on Audrey Hepburn’s acting in a play

* “She can’t be with us tonight. She’s busy attending the birth of her next husband.” Snooker champ John Parrott on Joan Collins

* “You can put lipstick on a pig…it’s still a pig.” President Obama after Sara Palin’s joke that the only difference between a soccer mom and a pitbull was lipstick

* “Unlike Cheryl Cole and the girls, I have co-written seven of my album tracks. I fail to see how that means I have copied their sound. I mean, I haven’t resorted to wearing short skirts and dating a footballer to get into the charts.” Charlotte Church on Girls Aloud

Row: Charlotte Church traded insults with Cheryl Cole

* “Charlotte Church is a nasty little piece of work with a fat head. I don’t know who she and her scabby boyfriend think they are. He’s a posing idiot who looks like a girl. And she’s not even gorgeous.” Cheryl Cole

* “And now, to make matters worse, they (the Tories) have elected a foetus as party leader.” Former Sports Minister Tony Banks on William Hague

* “Does the Honourable Lady remember that she was an egg herself once: and very many members of all sides of this House regret that it was ever fertilised?” Sir Nicholas Fairbairn attacking junior Health Minister Edwina Currie over the salmonella crisis

* “He was so mean it hurt him to go to the bathroom.” Britt Eklund on ex Rod Stewart

*“Sex with Nicholas was like having a very large wardrobe with a very small key falling on top of you.” An ex lover of portly former Tory MP Nicholas Soames

* “I’m prepared to take advice on leisure from Prince Philip. He’s a world expert. He’s been practising for most of his adult life.” Neil Kinnock

* “She is a lady short on looks, absolutely deprived of any dress sense, has a figure like a Jurassic monster, very greedy when it comes to loot, no tact and wants to upstage everyone else.” Sir Nicholas Fairbairn on Sarah Ferguson

* “She loves nature in spite of what it did to her.” Bette Midler on Princess Anne.

* “Just because she’s dead doesn’t mean she’s gonna change” Bette Davis on Joan Crawford

* “So boring, you fall asleep halfway through her name” Alan Bennett on Arianna Stassinopoulos

* “He can’t kick with his left foot, he can’t head, he can’t tackle, and he doesn’t score many goals. Apart from that, he’s all right.” George Best on David Beckham

* “A huge fur ball on two overdeveloped legs.” Nancy Mitford on Princess Margaret

* “He doesn’t dye his hair – he’s just prematurely orange.” Former US President Gerald Ford on Ronald Reagan

* “Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it’s because I’m not a bitch. Maybe that’s why Miss Crawford always plays ladies.” Bette Davis on Joan Crawford

* “She can’t even chew gum and walk in a straight line at the same time, let alone write a book.” Liam Gallagher on Victoria Beckham’s autobiography.

Pleasant: Malcolm Muggeridge damned the Queen with faint praise

* “A very pleasant middle to upper-class type of lady with a talkative retired Navy husband.” Malcolm Muggeridge on the Queen

* “I’ve met serial killers and assassins but nobody scared me as much as Mrs Thatcher.” Ken Livingstone

* “Joe Frazier is so ugly he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wildlife.” Muhammad Ali

* “Well, at least he has found his true love ”“ what a pity he can’t marry himself.” Frank Sinatra on Robert Redford

* “She speaks five languages and can’t act in any of them.” Sir John Gielgud on Casablanca star Ingrid Bergman

* “Michael Jackson’s album was called Bad because there wasn’t enough room on the sleeve for Pathetic.” Prince

* “The easiest way for you to lose 10 pounds is just to take off your wig.” Madonna to Elton John

* “Their lyrics are unrecognisable as the Queen’s English.” Former Premier Ted Heath on The Beatles

* “You mean that fat dancer from Take That?” Noel Gallagher on Robbie Williams

* “Bill Clinton is a man who thinks international affairs means dating a girl from out of town.” Thriller writer Tom Clancy

Winston Churchill, undisputed master of the art…
“Tell him I can only deal with one s*** at a time” Winston on being disturbed in his toilet by a call from the Lord Privy Seal.

“A modest man, who has much to be modest about.” On Clement Attlee

“They are not fit to manage a whelk stall.” On the Labour Party

“I wish Stanley Baldwin no ill, but it would have been much better if he had never lived.”

“An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last.” On Neville Chamberlain

Lady Astor to Churchill: “Winston, if you were my husband I would flavour your coffee with poison”

Churchill: “Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it.”

Labour MP Bessie Braddock to Churchill: “Winston, you’re drunk!”

Churchill: “Bessie, you’re ugly, and tomorrow morning I shall be sober”

Want some more? Here are the best put-downs by comedians to hecklers

Share A little Divinity

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Verified by MonsterInsights