The Daily Mirror
Best ever put-downs: 30 of the wittiest ways celebrities have insulted their rivals
After the death of one of the great put-down artists Nora Ephron, hereâ€™s our guide to who’s the best at saying the worst
By Rachael Bletchly
June 29, 2012
When screenwriter Nora Ephron found out about her husbandâ€™s affair her response was typically withering.
â€œHeâ€™d have sex with a Venetian blind,â€ shrugged the romcom queen behind When Harry Met Sally, who died this week.
Nora, 71, was renowned for her pithy putdowns.
In her honour weâ€™ve collected some of the most memorable celebrity slights..
* â€œ”Elizabeth Taylorâ€™s so fat, she puts Âmayonnaise on her aspirins” Joan Rivers
* â€œ”What problems do you have, apart from being blind, unemployed and a moron?” John McEnroe to Wimbledon spectator
* â€œ”The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers” Woody Allen
* â€œShe ran the whole gamut of the emotions from A to B.â€ Critic Dorothy Parker on Audrey Hepburnâ€™s acting in a play
* â€œShe canâ€™t be with us tonight. Sheâ€™s busy attending the birth of her next husband.â€ Snooker champ John Parrott on Joan Collins
* â€œYou can put lipstick on a pig…itâ€™s still a pig.â€ President Obama after Sara Palinâ€™s joke that the only difference between a soccer mom and a pitbull was lipstick
* â€œUnlike Cheryl Cole and the girls, I have co-written seven of my album tracks. I fail to see how that means I have copied their sound. I mean, I havenâ€™t resorted to wearing short skirts and dating a footballer to get into the charts.â€ Charlotte Church on Girls Aloud
Row: Charlotte Church traded insults with Cheryl Cole
* â€œCharlotte Church is a nasty little piece of work with a fat head. I donâ€™t know who she and her scabby boyfriend think they are. Heâ€™s a posing idiot who looks like a girl. And sheâ€™s not even gorgeous.â€ Cheryl Cole
* â€œAnd now, to make matters worse, they (the Tories) have elected a foetus as party leader.â€ Former Sports Minister Tony Banks on William Hague
* â€œDoes the Honourable Lady remember that she was an egg herself once: and very many members of all sides of this House regret that it was ever fertilised?â€ Sir Nicholas Fairbairn attacking junior Health Minister Edwina Currie over the salmonella crisis
* â€œHe was so mean it hurt him to go to the bathroom.â€ Britt Eklund on ex Rod Stewart
*â€œSex with Nicholas was like having a very large wardrobe with a very small key falling on top of you.â€ An ex lover of portly former Tory MP Nicholas Soames
* â€œIâ€™m prepared to take advice on leisure from Prince Philip. Heâ€™s a world expert. Heâ€™s been practising for most of his adult life.â€ Neil Kinnock
* â€œShe is a lady short on looks, absolutely deprived of any dress sense, has a figure like a Jurassic monster, very greedy when it comes to loot, no tact and wants to upstage everyone else.â€ Sir Nicholas Fairbairn on Sarah Ferguson
* â€œShe loves nature in spite of what it did to her.â€ Bette Midler on Princess Anne.
* â€œJust because sheâ€™s dead doesnâ€™t mean sheâ€™s gonna changeâ€ Bette Davis on Joan Crawford
* â€œSo boring, you fall asleep halfway through her nameâ€ Alan Bennett on Arianna Stassinopoulos
* â€œHe canâ€™t kick with his left foot, he canâ€™t head, he canâ€™t tackle, and he doesnâ€™t score many goals. Apart from that, heâ€™s all right.â€ George Best on David Beckham
* â€œA huge fur ball on two overdeveloped legs.â€ Nancy Mitford on Princess Margaret
* â€œHe doesnâ€™t dye his hair – heâ€™s just prematurely orange.â€ Former US President Gerald Ford on Ronald Reagan
* â€œWhy am I so good at playing bitches? I think itâ€™s because Iâ€™m not a bitch. Maybe thatâ€™s why Miss Crawford always plays ladies.â€ Bette Davis on Joan Crawford
* â€œShe canâ€™t even chew gum and walk in a straight line at the same time, let alone write a book.â€ Liam Gallagher on Victoria Beckhamâ€™s autobiography.
Pleasant: Malcolm Muggeridge damned the Queen with faint praise
* â€œA very pleasant middle to upper-class type of lady with a talkative retired Navy husband.â€ Malcolm Muggeridge on the Queen
* â€œIâ€™ve met serial killers and assassins but nobody scared me as much as Mrs Thatcher.â€ Ken Livingstone
* â€œJoe Frazier is so ugly he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wildlife.â€ Muhammad Ali
* â€œWell, at least he has found his true love â€“ what a pity he canâ€™t marry himself.â€ Frank Sinatra on Robert Redford
* â€œShe speaks five languages and canâ€™t act in any of them.â€ Sir John Gielgud on Casablanca star Ingrid Bergman
* â€œMichael Jacksonâ€™s album was called Bad because there wasnâ€™t enough room on the sleeve for Pathetic.â€ Prince
* â€œThe easiest way for you to lose 10 pounds is just to take off your wig.â€ Madonna to Elton John
* â€œTheir lyrics are unrecognisable as the Queenâ€™s English.â€ Former Premier Ted Heath on The Beatles
* â€œYou mean that fat dancer from Take That?â€ Noel Gallagher on Robbie Williams
* â€œBill Clinton is a man who thinks international affairs means dating a girl from out of town.â€ Thriller writer Tom Clancy
Winston Churchill, undisputed master of the art…
â€œTell him I can only deal with one s*** at a timeâ€ Winston on being disturbed in his toilet by a call from the Lord Privy Seal.
â€œA modest man, who has much to be modest about.â€ On Clement Attlee
â€œThey are not fit to manage a whelk stall.â€ On the Labour Party
â€œI wish Stanley Baldwin no ill, but it would have been much better if he had never lived.â€
â€œAn appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last.â€ On Neville Chamberlain
Lady Astor to Churchill: â€œWinston, if you were my husband I would flavour your coffee with poisonâ€
Churchill: â€œMadam, if I were your husband, I should drink it.â€
Churchill: â€œBessie, youâ€™re ugly, and tomorrow morning I shall be soberâ€
Want some more?Â Here are the best put-downs by comedians to hecklers