Hey Hollywood, We’ve Recast These Male Blockbusters For You

Mister D: I liked a lot of these choices, but I think all of us could put our heads together and find something a little more meatier for Bette. I just can’t think right off hand. 

Bette Midler

Hey Hollywood, We’ve Recast These Male Blockbusters For You
By David Smiedt
JUNE 21, 2018

With Sandra Bullock and Cate Blanchett slaying in Ocean’s 8whimn.com.au wondered what other celluloid series could do with a women-centric makeover. The answer? Plenty. So grab yourself a popcorn, a large glass of prosecco and imagine what the ladies could do with these…

James Bond

Let’s start with the biggest of the bunch. There have been IRL rumours swirling for ages that James might be Jane in the post Daniel Craig era. Probably not gonna happen, but if it did, we’re going to go with Charlize Theron on this one. She nailed her last turn as a spy in Atomic Blonde, bringing just the right amount of grit, guile and guns to the fore. And the dynamic with her stuffy male “superiors” would be a joy to watch.

Charlize in her badass 'Atomic Blonde' costume. Photo: Universal

Charlize in her badass ‘Atomic Blonde’ costume. Photo: Universal


Yes, Julianne Moore played a wonderfully deranged cannibalistic foe last time around and there was the token female love interest/classmate. But Daisy Jazz Isobel Ridley – currently carrying the franchise – would suit the immaculately tailored protagonist’s role to a Saville Row tee. Elegant and English on the one hand, yet kick-ass fierce on the other, she’d bring sass and smarts in spades.

Die Hard

Bruce Willis has been phoning in it to such a degree, that the last few outings might as well have been called Die Hard With A Contractual Obligation. He’s officially run out of family members to save when they get caught up in terrorist plots. Let’s wipe the testosterone-heavy slate clean and maybe invent June McClane. And while we’re at it, up the diversity quota. Janelle Monae would funk it up big time.

Mission: Impossible

Tom Cruise has been playing secret agent Ethan Hunt since 1996 and he’s now 55. Which means his greatest enemies are probably sciatica and third-rate plotlines. Come on down Emilia “Khaleesi” Clarke. With Terminator on her resume, not to mention GOT, EC has proven she can take on the most macho and hulking of men. And win.

Kit Harington and Emilia Clarke filming 'Game of Thrones'. Photo: HBO

Kit Harington and Emilia Clarke filming ‘Game of Thrones’. Photo: HBO

Jump Street

Credit where it’s due. Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill had genuine chemistry as the world’s oldest high-school/college kids in the first two outings. But imagine, say, SMILF star Frankie Shaw riffing off the likes of SNL alum Kate McKinnon.

Lethal Weapon

Bless his little anti-Semitic heart, Mel Gibson wrung every little thing he could out of this series, but a reboot on the mean streets of LA could be fun. Especially with a couple of Leslies – Mann and Jones – on the marquee.

Father Of The Bride

Obvs, it would become Mother Of The Bride and instead of being the slightly neurotic voice of reason to the panicking dad, how about we bring some real smarts to this cliché? So many incredible actors to choose from here. Our top picks? Bette Midler, Octavia Spencer, Goldie Hawn, Helen Mirren, Jane Fonda … the list is endless.

Matt Smith as Prince Philip and Claire Foy as Queen Elizabeth II in Netflix drama series, The Crown. Picture: Supplied/Netflix

Matt Smith as Prince Philip and Claire Foy as Queen Elizabeth II in Netflix drama series, The Crown. Picture: Supplied/Netflix

The Magnificent Seven

Denzel and the lads did a fine job in this celebration of the western genre. Fact. That’s not to say the Magnificent 8 could not comprise Claire Foy, Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone, Jessica Chastain, Alicia Vikander, transgender agenda-setter Laverne Cox, Mindy Kalingand a touch of Aussie flavour in the resurgent Abbie Cornish.


Gal Gadot would put Matt Damon in the shade with her blend of charisma, physicality and pure presence. And perhaps the time off would give Matt more opportunity to think through his public responses to Hollywood’s sexual harassment epidemic.

Rush Hour

Riddled with ethnic cliches, this was fun while it lasted. Much like the career of its star Chris Tucker. Still, with the right combo of stars, the formula could well have more life in it. We’re thinking Suicide Squad’s martial arts maestro Karen Fukuhara opposite Octavia Spencer.

Night At The Museum

Imagine Kirsten Wiig dealing with the characters of history who come alive when the sun sets. You’d watch that right? Us too.

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