Tennis Matches Weâ€™d Like to See
by Meredith Whitmore | Updated 06 Sep 2016 at 9:47 AM
The 136th U.S. Open is being held right now at the Billie Jean King National Tennis Center in New York City through Sept. 11.
We love tennis (get it? â€” â€œloveâ€?) because itâ€™s kind of like politics. Volley, chop, counterpunch, and slam could all be moves Trey Gowdy uses against Hillary Clinton. And poaching, backhanded, double faults, and unforced errors all describe her response.
The tennis terms that arenâ€™t frequently used in government are â€œserveâ€ and â€œfollow through.â€
We also appreciate tennis because itâ€™s a chance to watch people beating the ever-loving tar out of a tiny ball and each otherâ€™s psyches. The sportâ€™s short-fused players got us thinking about others who could use a good fight.
Here are several celebrity tennis matches weâ€™d pay money to see.
Kelly Ripa vs. Michael Strahan
Everyone was blindsided when he brusquely quit â€œLive! with Kelly and Michaelâ€ for â€œGood Morning Americaâ€ and a new game show. ABC and Strahan neglected to tell Ripa and Gelman until minutes before a show. The resulting emotional brouhaha was impressive.
Among the funnier potshots Ripa took at Strahan before he left the program â€” months before he was originally scheduled to â€” was during a wildlife segment. A hairy armadillo caught Ripaâ€™s attention when it began to shriek, protecting himself from her, the â€œpredator.â€ She quipped, â€œI want to take him into contract negotiations with me!â€ Strahan simply looked uncomfortable.
BeyoncÃ© vs. Cops
After the police-bashing Super Bowl halftime show that many called shameful, BeyoncÃ© still released the song â€œFormation,â€ an equally defiant act against law enforcement. So when she requested police protection at a concert in Miami, guess what?
She got slammed. The Fraternal Order of Police said in a press release, â€œThe fact that BeyoncÃ© used this yearâ€™s Super Bowl to divide Americans by promoting the Black Panthers â€¦ shows how she does not support law enforcement. We ask all law enforcement labor organizations â€¦ to boycott all of her concerts.â€ Weâ€™d call that an ace against the entitled Queen B.
Bernie Sanders vs. Larry David
This would be a lethargic game between two grouchy, liberal Brooklynites. We want to see it simply because it would be funny watching them futz around the court until they both plotzed.
President Obama vs. Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ali Khamenei
Advantage â€” Khamenei. Not only would Obama bet on his opponent to win, he’d turn a blind eye as Khamenei rewrote the rules and accepted bribery to throw the game â€” another deal Khamenei would renege on.
Bette Midler vs. Caitlyn Jenner
Midler apologized to the world (and possibly to Caitlyn) last month after tweeting, “Now that ‘I Am Cait’ has been cancelled, will she go back to being Bruce? Will Kris take him back?”
Midler backpedaled only after getting scolded. She soon posted, “To my friends at HRC [Human Rights Campaign] whom I have always supported. Sorry last tweet offended. An idle musing.”
She did lob one accurate grenade at Cait’s family, though, when she tweeted in March, “Kim Kardashian tweeted a nude selfie today. If Kim wants us to see a part of her we’ve never seen, she’s gonna have to swallow the camera.”
Dinesh D’Souza vs. Hillary Clinton
D’Souza’s film “Hillary’s America” is the top-grossing documentary of 2016, trouncing Hillary with logic and the truth of her shady dealings. He told Fox News, “We have had people â€¦ say, ‘Dinesh, the only question I have to ask you, is this true? Because if [the movie is] true, it changes everything.’ And that’s the thing. The things in my book and movie are true and they cannot really be disputed and it does change everything.”
Let’s hope they do.
Alec Baldwin vs. James Woods
Their social media feud inspires us to be snarkier when dealing with hypocrites like Baldwin. In 2014, after two NYC policemen were shot in cold blood, Woods called NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio a “race hustler” and Al Sharpton a “disgusting pig” over Twitter.
Baldwin, who once called a black NYPD officer a “coon” and insulted his badge, responded, “I am slightly shocked to see some of the otherwise informed people who would politicize the deaths of police officers.”
Apparently, Baldwin now supports police, though he had tangled with them after being stopped from riding his bicycle the wrong way down Fifth Avenue earlier that year.
Woods did not respond immediately, but his followers rallied to put Baldwin in his place. One wrote, “Alec, why don’t you go bash some gay people or yell at your children, get thrown off an airplane or shut it.” Another tweeted, “Leave the commentary to the grown-ups, Baldwin.”
Game, set, match â€” Woods.