The Sydney Morning Herald
Stars who said too much
January 1, 2012
We love celebrities for their looks, glamour and blinding star power – and sometimes, for the things they say in public. We look back on some of the most startling quotes of 2011.
I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.” – CHARLIE SHEEN
Translation ”I have no idea what I am saying but everyone seems terribly interested in hearing it.”
The fallout Sheen lost his television gig and fans booed his live shows. He’s better now.
We learnt Some celebrities should just be given chocolate milk when they need a pick-me-up.
It was totally different than being in a basketball game.” -New Jersey Nets star KRIS HUMPHRIES, on his wedding ceremony with Kim Kardashian.
Translation ”Catering-wise, oranges at half-time is fine.”
The fallout Humphries discovered that being married – in this case, for 72 days – was also unlike anything he had experienced.
We learnt Realty television warps your ability to listen to the sensible part of your brain.
I’ve been doing singing mermaid in a wheelchair since 1980. You can keep the meat dress and the firecracker tits – mermaid’s mine.” – BETTE MIDLER, on Twitter, telling Lady Gaga that her performance in a Sydney nightclub was not so original.
Translation ”I was a loopily dressed, outrageous singing diva way before you, sunshine.”
The fallout Gaga said she had no idea Midler had created a mermaid in a wheelchair act previously. ”I couldn’t hop around in that tail so I just stuck myself in a wheelchair,” she said.
Midler added that she wasn’t irked by Gaga’s performance: ”[L]et’s drink this over at the Emmys in September,” she tweeted. ”Fabulous mermaids can coexist!”
We learnt Loopily dressed, outrageous singing divas share a spooky artistic synchronicity. We eagerly await Gaga straddling a naval cannon – a la Cher – or balletically flinging herself around the misty British countryside in homage to Kate Bush’s Wuthering Heights video.
We can’t carry out a DNA test to check this out just three days before the marriage.” – STEPHANE BERN, a leading royal television commentator and close friend of Prince Albert about claims (made on the eve of his wedding in July) that Monaco’s ruler had fathered a third illegitimate child.
Translation ”Hundreds of salmon and dill canapes are made, the Eagles are rehearsing for the party and several million euros worth of fireworks are primed for lighting. He’s stopping for no one.”
The fallout The prince wed his princess, Charlene, with much pomp and celebration despite her alleged interception by police at Nice Airport 10 days previously. A French newspaper claimed she was trying to flee to South Africa after hearing reports of the third illegitimate child.
We learnt Um, she looked lovely on her wedding day.
Like, two seconds.” – Playboy cover girl CRYSTAL HARRIS, commenting on how long former fiance Hugh Hefner lasted in bed. She also said they had sex only once.
Translation ”I am either telling the truth or desperately trying to deflect attention from my decision to pull out three days before the wedding.”
The fallout Hefner denied the claim, tweeting that he had sex ”on a weekly basis and did throughout my 2Â½ years with Crystal”. Harris later apologised for her comments.
We learnt A large, creepy part of the world’s population will always cheer the Hefner lifestyle.
I didn’t meet them. I was shoved out of the way by Jennifer Lopez. Uh oh, I shouldn’t have said that.” – MARY-LOUISE PARKER, on nearly shaking hands with the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge at a BAFTA gala in Los Angeles.
Translation ”JLo is scary.”
The fallout Lopez and her mother, Guadalupe, chatted happily with the royal pair. One blogger described the singer’s grip on Prince William’s arm as ”the death claw”.
We learnt Jenny really is from ”the block” – she’ll flatten anyone who’s in her way.
I need to piss, I need to piss.” – actor GERARD DEPARDIEU, seconds before he urinated on the floor of a CityJet plane after trying to get to the toilet. Crew members had told him to stay seated as the plane was preparing for takeoff.
Translation ”My bladder is beyond my control and a Frenchman never soils his seat.”
The fallout CityJet tweeted humorously: ”As you may have seen on the news, we are busy mopping the floor of one of our planes this morning.” Depardieu’s travelling companions said the actor desperately urinated in a bottle but spilled some urine on the carpet. He apologised afterwards.
We learnt Sitting next to celebrities on planes has its drawbacks.
If you’re offered the opportunity to have a swastika painted on your ass, glitter on your nipples and to simulate sex with a man and a woman behind a curtain, go for it â€¦ provided it’s Cabaret on Broadway and not in some dude’s basement.” – NEIL PATRICK HARRIS, about his earlier stage turn in Cabaret.
Translation ”Do check you’re in a mainstream theatre in front of a paying audience before attempting this.”
The fallout Harris’s performance was acclaimed by many critics and his career continued to boom.
We learnt He could be wearing anything under that nice suit.
I love my boobies.” – JESSICA SIMPSON, on suggestions that she would be undergoing breast-reduction surgery.
Translation ”I’m not stupid enough to think that I’m rich and famous because of my intellect.”
The fallout Widespread relief from Simpson fans who adore and-or emulate her look – they all know the world remains beholden to pneumatic blonde women.
We learnt No one should say ”boobies” in a public statement.
This twitter shit is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Never had so many friends in my life. I’m never leaving my house.” – ELLEN BARKIN, after joining Twitter.
Translation ”What do you mean everyone can read my tweet?”
The fallout Since then, her Twitter followers have reeled at – or cheered – Barkin’s profanity-laden tweets.
We learnt Not every Hollywood actor is pretending to personify sweetness and light. Some use rude words.