It was announced earlier today that Cameron Diazâ€“ who is notably both very pretty and very unable to singâ€“ will be playing Miss Hannigan in Jaime Foxxâ€™s remake of the musical â€œAnnie.â€ Ugh.
I donâ€™t mean to diminish Cameron Diaz. Iâ€™m not saying sheâ€™s a terrible actress or personâ€“ in fact, I like her in most things sheâ€™s been in. Itâ€™s just that I find it kind of exhausting that every single role ever has to be played by a hot chick, as though weâ€™ll all fall down dead should we ever be exposed to the sight of a woman who couldnâ€™t make the cover of Maxim. Miss Hannigan is a role that has been played to perfection by actresses like Carol Burnett, Nell Carter, Kathy Bates, andâ€“ recently on Broadwayâ€“ Jane Lynch. I feel like we couldnâ€™t even have a Carol Burnett these days, like that wouldnâ€™t be allowed.
Things have changed so much, even since the â€™90s. Everyone acts like itâ€™s a SUPER BIG DEAL that Melissa McCarthy gets a few roles here and there, or that Adele even exists. It really wasnâ€™t always like this. I mean, yes, there have always been actresses that were popular because they were pretty, but I feel like talent used to count for a little more. Not that Cameron Diaz isnâ€™t talented, but you get the gist of what Iâ€™m saying.
I love the part of Miss Hannigan, and there are lots of actresses out there that I just think could rock the part a little harder.
1. Lily Tomlin
Lily Tomlin is THE BEST. I worship Lily Tomlin. She is great in everything sheâ€™s ever been in, and she is most definitely not in enough goddamned things these days. Sheâ€™s not so much of a singer, but she has enough character in her voice to pull it off.
First of all, I have always believed, for whatever reason, that Queen Latifah and I would be really good friends should we ever meet. Second, her turn as Mama in Chicago proves that she has the chops for this kind of a part. Sheâ€™s capable of an awesome kind of brashness that would suit Miss Hannigan perfectly.
3. Jane Lynch
As previously mentioned, Lynch is already rocking the hell out of Miss Hannigan on Broadway, and it would be cool to see her reprise her role on the silver screen.
4. Goldie Hawn
I would totally kill to see this. Goldie Hawn is the best.
5. Wanda Sykes
Yeah, I have no idea if Wanda Sykes can sing, but I actually just want her to be in everything, always. WHY ISNâ€™T WANDA SYKES IN ALL OF THE THINGS ALWAYS? Explain yourself, Hollywood!
HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT TO GO AND REWATCH SISTER ACT RIGHT NOW? Sister Act was THE JAM. Both of them. Whoopi did all her own singing for this movie to boot. OH, also, can we get Kathy Najimy in more things again? For serious. Girl is a comic genius.
7. Meryl Streep
What *canâ€™t* Meryl Streep do?
8. Stockard Channing
Stockard Channing is another actress Iâ€™d love to see in everything ever. Sheâ€™s just so damn good. Seriously, no one will ever be as cool as Stockard Channing.
Now, Iâ€™m a little brokenhearted over the fact that Roseanne blocked me on the Twitter as a result of all the rape joke drama last month. She was one of my big heroes growing up. However, that aside, and the fact that sheâ€™s not a singer aside, tell me she would not kick ASS in this role? Seriously. OMG. It would blow your very mind.
10. Motherfucking CHER
No explanation necessary. Itâ€™s CHER. Cher is glorious always.
11. Bernadette Peters
Broadway actress Bernadette Peters played Lily in the original screen version of Annie. It would be a pretty neat nod to the original to see her play Miss Hannigan.
12. Megan Mullally
Megan Mullally is SUCH a ginormous talentâ€“ not only is she hilarious, but she can sing her ass off. Iâ€™d love to see her in more things. Also, Iâ€™m crazy jealous of her glorious marriage to Nick Offerman.
I could go on. And on and on and on. Mo Gaffney, Jennifer Saunders, Kathy Griffin, Jessica Lange, Helena Bonham Carter, etc. etc.
13. I didnâ€™t even mention Bette Midler, who would be glorious, because she turned down the part in the original film.
Cameron Diaz is great, but there are so few roles in Hollywood these days that can go to women who are older or who arenâ€™t super sexxxified looking, that it would just be nice to see a role where being super hot isnâ€™t a prerequisite go to someone other than a sex symbol.