MICHAEL KORB
The Saratogian, New York
I’m not going to lie to you. I’m in a precarious position here.
In just five short days, Valentine’s Day — that most premeditated of holidays — will once again rear its ugly head.
Now, more than ever, those of you in relationships need my words of wisdom. Unfortunately, I am reticent to give those words as the editors have picked up on the fact that ”genitalia” is not a military term and these columns are currently getting the (edited) edited out of them.
Nevertheless, I feel it is my duty to try and help some of you less fortunate readers.
But, before we go any further, let me give you my take on Valentine’s Day. It reminds me of an old Bette Midler joke — A girl named Sophie goes to visit a girlfriend. During their chat the doorbell rings and there stands a delivery man with two dozen roses. The girl takes the roses and reads the card, ”Love always, Harold.”
She turns to Sophie and says, ”You realize what this means don’t you? For the next two weeks I’ll be flat on my back with my legs wide open.”
Sophie looks at her quizzically and says, ”What is wrong with you? Ain’t you got a vase?”
That, kids, in a nutshell is Valentine’s Day. And yet, those of us currently without significant others (that’s right, I too am currently unattached, but only because the massage parlor has decided to stop accepting checks) are still desperate to find someone, preferably by Friday.
Luckily, as the person who writes the weekly tagline under this column likes to point out, I have a lot of free time. Because of that I have focused all of my energy (by the way, I think I’m anemic) on how we can find love in five days.
Obviously, the place to start is the Internet. It is full of people looking for love and the law enforcement officials trying to entrap them.
Of course, we aren’t talking about sex here (for once). We are talking about ”love,” which Webster’s defines as ”strong affection; warm attachment; attraction based on sexual desire; a beloved person; unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for others; a score of zero in tennis.”
If you type ”love” into the Google search engine, the first thing that comes up is www.lovecalculator.com.
This site allows you to type in your name and the name of someone you’re interested in and, because names apparently have various meanings and socio-emotional trends, the site will calculate the probability of those two names living happily ever after.
Because I don’t know you (why ruin a good thing by actually meeting), I tested the program on myself with mixed results. Unfortunately, it seems I only have a 16 percent chance of having a successful relationship with Sandra Bullock.
On the positive side, Britney Spears and I are looking pretty good with an 83 percent rating. Unfortunately, that is only two percent better than my chances with 95-year-old Katharine Hepburn. (Yep, still alive and apparently looking for a little Korb lovin’.)
Equally disturbing, Rosie O’Donnell and I have a 48 percent chance of making it work, which sadly, is three percent better than my chances with Mary-Kate Olsen.
However, just as I had always suspected, I am much more attuned to the other Olsen twin, Ashley, with whom success comes in at a healthy 67 percent. (Of course, once they turn 18 — 489 days and counting — I think my percentages will improve.)
When I typed my name into both spots it said I only had an 18 percent chance of loving myself. (Anyone who knows me will tell you that is approximately 82 percent off.)
Typing in the names of girls from my past revealed my best shot is with a girl who may spend most of her life in the care of the state — it seems I have an 89 percent chance at experiencing a conjugal visit. Hey, she is appealing.
It only took me about four hours to realize that I couldn’t totally rely on the Love Calculator. Luckily, I stumbled across www.calastrology.com. A much more reliable shot at true love by Friday, calastrology.com is the Web site of the California Astrology Association.
Clearly very serious about helping you find love, the site sells things like The Love Wanga, the Witch Doctor, a Love Spell Kit and a Love Voodoo Doll (apparently one well-placed prick begets another).
In addition to these small, but powerful items, the CAA will perform spells on your behalf. You can order the following: the Way We Were spells, the Return to Me spell, the Forgive Me! spell, the Mend a Broken Heart spell, the all-encompassing Love spell, the Reconciliation spell, the Growing His Love spell, the Growing Her Love spell, the Starting Over spell and, my favorite, the Lust for Me spell. (Is it just me or is the word ”spell” starting to look weird?)
For just $19.95, the experts at CAA will send you a letter telling you when they will perform your spell (so you can be prepared for the love windfall) and what, if anything, you might need to do to help give the spell an extra boost. (I’ve already entered in my credit card number in hopes of raising my percentages with Sandra.)
If, by chance, neither of these tools help you find love (and/or they sadly own a vase), remember this one thing: You can always find someone who sucks at tennis.
