Crushable
8 Times Binx Was A Little Bitch In Hocus Pocus
October 3, 2014
by Jenni Maier
Well twist my bones and bend my back, it’s October. Which I think we all know means that it’s finally socially acceptable to speak entirely in Hocus Pocus quotes again. Pausing only to debate which Sanderson Sister you’re most like. And yes, before you say it, I am such a Winnie. Just a type-A control freak who does whatever it takes to get my goals accomplished. While I focused last year’s Hocus Pocus expose on what the number of times you’ve seen the movie says about you, this year I wanted to focus on Binx”¦and how many times he was a little bitch in the movie. Because c’mon, a cat that bitchy doesn’t deserve nine lives.
1. When he sleeps in on that fateful morning in the 1600s and lets Emily get kidnapped.
C’mon man, you had one job. And it was to keep your sister Emily from being murdered by the neighborhood witches. Okay fine, I guess you probably had a few other jobs. Like sowing oats and churning butter and working on redcoat jokes for Salem’s Open Mic night. But besides that, you were supposed to have Emily’s back. Or I should say, her soul.
2. When he doesn’t change his name from Thackery Binx to Zachary Binx
Thackery? Really? Is that supposed to be ironic”¦or just moronic? Grow up and get a real name.
3. When he doesn’t tell his father that he’s a talking cat
Few things frustrate me more in life than that scene where his town’s hanging the Sanderson Sisters and he just stays quiet. He’s all like, “Meoowwww fatherrrr, meeooooww.” I know being a talking cat’s probably a lot of pressure, especially for a narcoleptic introvert like Binx, but if there’s ever a time to open your mouth, it’s when your parents are wondering what happened to you and your sister.
4. When he mopes around for 300 years about being an immortal cat
Oh woe is you, the talking cat who can’t die. Instead of lurking around a haunted house for 300 years as the self-appointed Virgin Patrol Officer, why don’t you make something of your life. Like spread the word about black magic. Nothing convinces a crowd that witchcraft is real quite like a TALKING CAT. Oh right, you’ve decided to be a cat martyr instead who just lives in the shadows of the town tourist trap.
5. When he does’t tell Max not to light the black candle
Again, this would’ve been a GREAT opportunity for Binx to open his little cat mouth and explain why Max should put down his lighter. Not only to warn him that lighting it will bring the witches back, but also because teen boys in movies aren’t supposed to be proud of their virginity status.
6. When he doesn’t speak up at the Halloween party
Okay, remember when I said earlier how angry I was about him not speaking to his parents during the hanging. Well this part actually frustrates me more. Everyone in town is in jeopardy and he could save them all by being like, “actually your children are correct, the witches singing that catchy diddy up on that stage are real, evidenced by the fact that I’m a talking cat. Also, unrelated, perhaps show a tiny bit of concern as to why your daughter is showing up to an adult Halloween party with a stray cat when she’s supposed to be at home.”
7. When he blames his tardiness on having to wait for a virgin to light the candle
Wait, you’re telling me that all he had to do to get his human body back was to get a virgin to light the black candle. Why was he so “don’t like the candle!” then??? The only thing worse than being late is coming up with lame excuses. Emily, girlfriend, girlghost, don’t buy his excuse. Also, have you really been wearing that nightgown for 300 years? I don’t know Heaven’s latest trends, but I highly doubt they involve impersonating Felicity the American Girl Doll.
8. When he sells out and takes the role of Salem in Sabrina the Teenage Witch
What? The role of “talking black animatronic cat who hangs around witches” in Hocus Pocus wasn’t enough for him? He had to go and get himself cast as Salem. Talk about typecasting yourself. Don’t come meowing to me when you can’t get any “meatier” roles.
