All I have to say is thank God for the Weekly World News!!!
Who writes this shit!!!!..LOL
New Spray Wards off Gays like Bugs!
By BRETT ANNISTON
CHICAGO – Guys, are you constantly pestered by hot-to-trot homosexuals? Well, now you can ward off unwanted advances with a new spray that shoos away pesky gays like bugs!
“Simply spritz on Gay Away and even the most aggressive male suitor will
suddenly stop batting his eyes and ignore you as if you weren’t in the room,”
boasts Chicago chemist Dr. Martin Habelton, who invented the repellent and sold
the idea to a manufacturer in April.
Test-marketing of the anti gay spray, which also comes in roll-on form, has been
a hit with 600 heterosexual male volunteers coast to coast.
“I’m ramrod straight, but for years, gays would always approach me, even at the most macho events – bowling tournaments, pro-wrestle-ing fights, even at a
rodeo,” says a 41-year-old Houston volunteer named Simeon R.
“I have no idea why they singled me out. Maybe ’cause I have a habit of
whistling Bette Midler songs, I dress neatly and have that sissy-sounding name.
“It got to the point where I actually had some business cards printed up that
read, ‘I appreciate the interest, but I’m not gay. Please leave me alone.’
“I’d distribute them at parties and whenever I walked into a bar, just so these
tooty-fruity guys would know right off the bat I wasn’t one of them.
“Now, while I’m wearing Gay Away, I never get hassled.”
Gay Away works much like insect repellent.
“Contrary to popular belief, insect repellents don’t really ‘repel’ insects,
they actually make you invisible to bugs by blocking their sensors. Gay Away
uses the same principle,” explains Dr. Habelton, who says he was inspired to
invent the product because his good looks, soft-spoken manner and weak handshake have made him a “lifelong target” of homosexuals.
All males emit sexual attractants known as pheromones, that are smelled
subconsciously. Homosexuals emit a slightly different version, he says.
“Many perfectly straight men send a chemically similar version – which gays pick
up as a ‘vibe’ and can’t resist responding to,” Dr. Habelton says. “Gay Away
makes you invisible to this ‘Gaydar’ just like the Stealth Bomber is invisible
to radar.”
And the breakthrough will be a boon for the growing number of wimpy-looking
white-collar criminals who find themselves headed for prison, he says.
“You can wear a pink jumpsuit, carry a purse and sing show tunes in the shower
and your most ardent admirer will ignore you,” brags Dr. Habelton.
Gay Away isn’t cheap – a 7-ounce can will retail for $45, according to the
manufacturer, which plans to have it on store shelves by Christmas.
Gay-rights organizations were initially outraged at the product, some branding
it “repugnant.” But surprisingly, some have endorsed the spray.
“Scores of gay men are beaten savagely each year because some idiot says he was getting hit on,” says a spokesman for the San Francisco-based Gay Equality Now.
“If homophobic jerks dousing themselves in this stuff cuts down gay-bashing, we’ re all for it.”
