Defamer
How To Remake ’80s Movies The Right Way
By Brian Moylan on March 24, 2010 at 6:38 AM
Last week, J. Lo was inexplicably cast in the Goldie Hawn role of a Overboard remake. Please, don’t mess with the classics like that! If you’re going to go remaking ’80s movies, here’s how to do it right.
Hollywood’s love of nostalgia is not new, but it seems like the wave of repurposing old ideas has finally caught up with us and subsumed the ’80s. The Clash of the Titans remake comes out in two weeks. The Tron sequel is getting ready to drop this winter, and the Wall Street sequel will be out this spring. No, studios shouldn’t be messing with great things from the past. Yes, the success of these movies will determine which old scripts get dusted off and given an update. But we’re beating Hollywood to the punch. This is going to happen if we like it or not, so we’re going to speak now because we’re lousy at forever holding our peace. Here are some of our favourite movies from the decade and what needs to be done to update them right.
Original Release Date: 1985
The Pitch: The screwball comedy as a Christopher Guest improv experiment (which we stole from Popwatch).
Casting: Catherine O’Hara as Mrs Peacock, Parker Posey as Mrs White, Jennifer Coolidge as Miss Scarlet, Eugene Levy as Col Mustard, Ed Begley Jr as Mr Green, and Bob Balaban as Professor Plum and Michael McKean as Mr Body.
Modern Twist: Update it to be modern day and have everyone freak out about the crime rather than being all nonchalant about it.
Original Cast Cameo: Tim Curry as one of the murder victims.
Original Release Date: 1989
The Pitch: A doofy frat boy uncle comes in to care for the kids and makes a lovable mess.
Casting: Seth Rogan as Uncle Buck.
Modern Twist: The first time around John Candy was more of an incapable lug, let’s make Buck more a stoner fuck up who learns how to get his life together thanks to the little scamps.
Original Cast Cameo: Macaulay Culkin as the older skeezy boyfriend trying to deflower the teenage niece.
Original Release Date: 1985
The Pitch: Two billionaire, 20-year-old, computer company CEOs use their mastery of technology to make a magic lady and learn about life in the process.
Casting: Christopher Mintz-Plasse and Emile Hirsch as the nerds. Malin Akerman as the babe.
Modern Twist: Instead of creating all their women from some Commodore 64, the use a complicated algorithm that combines the attributes of the hundred hottest girls on Facebook. Just think about all the advances in computer science in the past 25 years that could be applied to comedic scenarios. Don’t mess with the bras on heads or the pile of talking poo, though.
Original Cast Cameo: Bill Paxton as a mean venture capitalist who wants to take over the kids’ firm.
Original Release Date: 1984
The Pitch: A bunch of scientists trade in the lab to make a reality show about hunting supernatural creatures. They become wildly famous.
Casting: Call Paul Rudd, Judah Friedlander, Seann William Scott and Marlon Wayans. Get Anna Faris as the wacky secretary.
Modern Twist: Their easy fame on television becomes as more of a detriment to their line of work.
Original Cast Cameo: Sigourney Weaver as a network executive.
Original Release Date: 1988
The Pitch: Two pairs of twins, separated at birth and from very different circumstances, meet when their posh and hillbilly worlds collide.
Casting: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler as Sadie and Rose.
Modern Twist: One set of sisters is from the family that owns Hal-Mart and the other is from the hillbilly town that doesn’t want the corporation moving in.
Original Cast Cameo: Lily Tomlin and Bette Midler as their aunts.
The Dark Crystal
Original Release Date: 1982
The Pitch: A far off fantasy land where a pair of Gelflings must repair the titular crystal and end the reign of the evil and disgusting Skeksis. Wouldn’t Guillermo del Torro do a great job directing a script by Neil Gaiman?
Casting: Meryl Streep does all the voices! Just kidding. She only does half.
Modern Twist: In 3D, biatches!
Original Cast Cameo: Just recycle some of the puppets.
Original Release Date: 1985
The Pitch: A group of kids are going to lose their homes due to mean developers so they go off in search for a treasure with a group of evil mobsters hot on their tails.
Casting: We didn’t know who these kids were when they made it, but they sure had talent. Do that again, casting directors! But if we see one Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber or Demi Lovato, there is going to be hell to pay.
Modern Twist: Just toss in some great special effects and make those cheesey underground sets look real and awesome. The rest of the movie will make itself.
Original Cast Cameo: Josh Brolin as an evil developer and Corey Feldman as his assistant. Cyndi Lauper as the evil mobster mother.
Original Release Date: 1988
The Pitch: A ditsy secretary stands in for her boss and takes the corporate world by storm.
Casting: Amy Adams as Tess, Sandra Bullock as Katherine, and John Hamm as big boss Jack.
Modern Twist: Tess not only discovers some major Enron-esque corporate malfeasance, she also brings a struggling company to profitability.
Original Cast Cameo: Alec Baldwin as a horny executive.
Heathers
Original Release Date: 1988
The Pitch: Don’t you fucking dare. Some things are perfect the way God created them.
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ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS???? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS???
For ALL the above choices…but, of course, J-Lo playing Goldie Hawn`s character is the worst of them all! Listen, those movies are part of my chidlhood, these peple shouldn`t mess with that kind of stuff! It`s like making a remake of your chilhood with different grandparents and uncles and auties! I still hope that when I visit New York, as my plane lands, I`ll hear Carly Simon singing Let the River Run as background soundtrack and that I`ll be able to visit Moramax`s main branch!!!! LOL! God bless the American propaganda from the 80`s!!!
Oh, by the way…who will record the Goonies Soundtrack? Lady Gaga? LOL!
You’re too funny Cris!