anyway now let’s talk aboutyour fans becauseyou know a lot of entertainers have fansyou seem to be set apart your fans arefanatical they’re so devoted to youwhich is a nice thingdid you ever go on uh on say theinternet and just look at what peopleare writing oh no i would never do thati would never do that it’s just tooscary it’s just too scary one timeactually when the the internet was new iwas at a dinner party and this uh i wasthe guest of honor was this painter thisbeautiful wonderful elderly uh britishpainter and he was uh he had never heardof the internet and he had never had noidea what a computer was so the hostdecided they would show him and theybrought out their laptop and they openedit and they they looked him up and therewere all his paintings online and hecompletely flipped out i mean he flippedout he was how dare they how dare theythey have no right i i didn’t they theymust pay and all this stuff yeah becauseyou thought they needed to getpermission or something elsewhy did they i gave no permission sothey said to to calm them down they saidwell let’s look a bit so they looked meup and the first thing they came to wasthe society and not to annihilate bettemidlerohoh oh oh okay of course you said you ididn’t stay for dessert you know i wasjust totally uncomfortable i got to getout of here because people don’t realizehow freaky that is to see freaky peopleall this kind of strange stuff uh do youever check uh emails do you ever i meanyou do email them i do email but i tellyou even even the emails i’m completelyfed up with i mean 50 of my emails areabout enlarging my penis i mean i justcan’t i just can’t i mean do i reallyneed a bigger dick +
50 of my emails areabout enlarging my penis i mean i justcan’t i just can’t i mean do i reallyneed a bigger dick
Bette Midler on Conan O’Brien
i'm very well thank you we're all so
happy you could be here thanks for being
on the show my pleasure this is your
first time here i've never been here
before and i don't know why i mean i can
find my way to the building i know this
before yeah and and then although you're
not exactly my demographic i have to say
right my demographic is
somewhat older and maybe a little less
straight perhaps i'm not so sure but
anyway no i disagree on that
i've often thought about coming on the
show because you know i really like you
i enjoy you i watch it one time i
remember i was in an airport and i saw
you streaking through the airport i
don't think i was streaming not exactly
you had your little you know you had
your tuxedo in a garment bag and i
thought i know he's on his way to a
giggle i know he is and i thought i was
struck by how how tall you were and how
and how beautiful your coloring is you
know that gorgeous red hair and that
pasty white skin it's like
it's probably my favorite favorite
thank you yeah favorite
worked very hard on this pasty
complexion my whole life you know you've
never been in the sun i've never been
outside oh really i live here i'm a
creature of the night and fabulous i pay
at the moon and uh well yeah no i'm
people i get that a lot too people are
just struck by they don't expect me to
be uh that tall yourself
i just almost said you're so eff and
tall yeah yeah you're so tall i think on
tv i come across as a little person
who's like hi everybody welcome
you're kind of scrunched under that tape
he's like this yeah no he has this much
room for his knees yeah
we we we won't give away the secrets
anyway no uh they can't no they can't
know it i'd frighten them in real life
um now let's talk about you this is
first of all some impressive things
amazing
which i know is making you happy already
uh you've been i didn't realize that
you've been married i've been married
for 21 years 21 years for you
congratulations thank you
yeah i think i've made it four you're
doing pretty well yeah that's incredible
it is it's incredible i married a german
man
in 1984. we call him the baron every
night he gets uh i get dressed up like
poland and he invades me thank you
[Applause]
thank you
but he's a fabulous guy fabulous guy
fabulous guy we've raised a beautiful 19
year old girl uh together and she's in
college now and so we're suffering
through empty nests and it was a big
year for me a guy turned 60 which was
like oh my gosh oh my god happy birthday
thank you very much what did you do to
celebrate this uh this is this is nice i
do look fabulous you don't look you look
fabulous i'm a medical miracle it is
absolutely astonishing uh my husband
threw me a big uh 60th birthday party
and it was
fabulous what did he do get you a cake
he did it all he called people that i
hadn't heard from in 20 years you know
he he hired of the most fabulous band
and he i was toasted and roasted and
feeded and set people sang and they
danced and at the end of the evening
brought on a gigantic
cake
in the shape of a sliced ham
and i thought and i said that says it
all that is so perfect that is me on
that plate right so i was thrilled right
and people loved it and tasted it i
don't know why we sent it to the
homeless i don't think they really liked
it that much
so i thought this was ham it's a
chocolate cake how come it looks like a
ham well anyway now let's talk about
your fans because
you know a lot of entertainers have fans
you seem to be set apart your fans are
fanatical they're so devoted to you
which is a nice thing
did you ever go on uh on say the
internet and just look at what people
are writing oh no i would never do that
i would never do that it's just too
scary it's just too scary one time
actually when the the internet was new i
was at a dinner party and this uh i was
the guest of honor was this painter this
beautiful wonderful elderly uh british
painter and he was uh he had never heard
of the internet and he had never had no
idea what a computer was so the host
decided they would show him and they
brought out their laptop and they opened
it and they they looked him up and there
were all his paintings online and he
completely flipped out i mean he flipped
out he was how dare they how dare they
they have no right i i didn't they they
must pay and all this stuff yeah because
you thought they needed to get
permission or something else
why did they i gave no permission so
they said to to calm them down they said
well let's look a bit so they looked me
up and the first thing they came to was
the society and not to annihilate bette
midler
oh
oh oh oh okay of course you said you i
didn't stay for dessert you know i was
just totally uncomfortable i got to get
out of here because people don't realize
how freaky that is to see freaky people
all this kind of strange stuff uh do you
ever check uh emails do you ever i mean
you do email them i do email but i tell
you even even the emails i'm completely
fed up with i mean 50 of my emails are
about enlarging my penis i mean i just
can't i just can't i mean do i really
need a bigger dick
[Applause]
and the rest of them are for viagra
and it kills me that even no matter what
else is going on in the world right
people are always working on a bigger
better version of viagra i mean now they
have viagra for three
days i mean some chasing will occur
right
oh my god now you know they have generic
viagra generic they have generic viagra
you know how ibuprofen is generic advil
and now they have generic viagra and
they searched high and low for this name
it's called mike the flopping oh my god
good lord i'm gonna look that name up
and if that's not the real name you're
in a lot of trouble
but you know to name the product but the
competition was very sick
it gets worse i'm getting a lawyer
that was my drooping all right now wait
a minute stop it i'm gonna have a plan
dad and of course my own personal
favorite i'd be poking okay listen
hey you you two finally came together
perfectly on that one
thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
the old ones uh the best ones aren't
they yes they are i don't have any i'm
glad you do
