Madison Wisconsin State Journal
December 24, 1982
HOLLYWOOD – Happy holidays [to you all. And for a sampling of [celebrities: selections from my annual mixed bag of things money most I often can’t buy.
Fred Silverman: A plaque acknowledging the former programming chief of CBS, ABC and NBC as The Father of TV Mediocrity. And a better memory course – as he keeps spouting off about the low state of network television today.
“Taxi” and “Cheers”: Ratings to cheer about.
“Hill Street Blues” character Fay Furlllo (as played by producer Steven Bochco’s wife Barbara Bosson): a new marriage, so she’ll stop interrupting the action with her ongoing whines to ex-mate Frank Furillo.
Ronald and Nancy Reagan: Supersaver tickets on Capital Airlines for all their trips between Washington, D.C., and Santa Barbara. It would certainly be cheaper than revving up Air Force One – we’ve all got to make sacrifices during these difficult times.
Billie Jean King: The love letters to Marilyn Barnett she’s been trying to get back.
Liberace: A new chauffeur.
Johnny Carson: A chauffeur.
Richard Dreyfuss: The same.
David Begelman: An automatic checkwriting machine to simplify his Christmas shopping.
“Indecent Exposure” author David McClintick: A shovel to continue digging.
Cliff Robertson: Stardom in a dozen upcoming films.
The makers of Tylenol: A public relations miracle.
Princess Di: Privacy – or at least respite for a while from attacks by the British gossip chroniclers.
Shelley Winters: Orson Welles designer jeans.
Caspar Weinberger: A backyard silo, to house his own personal MX.
Pia Zadora: Inclusion in the latest edition of “Whatever Happened To?”
Erik Estrada: A copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People” – and the title role in an ongoing production of “The Invisible Man.”
Jane Wyman: A new hair style.
Michael Landon: A hair style.
Jane Fonda, who’s proved as producer of TV’s “9 to 5” that she’s not against exploiting the female form: a Penthouse Magazine layout.
Dorothy Lamour: A feminist remake of “The Road” pictures – with Bob Hope, George Burns and Milton Berle playing the sarong-ed sex symbols.
Phyllis Diller: Bo Derek’s beauty
.
Richard Dawson: A contestant with bad breath – to turn him off kissing all his female “Family Feud” guests.
Rip Taylor: A corn-row wig.
Marty Allen: The same.
Bob Hope: The first TV special from Saturn.
Jill St. John: A safe and sane fourth (marriage).
Charlene Tilton: Enrollment in The American Academy of Dramatic Art. Or any acting academy.
Telly Savalas: Robert Preston’s hair (and hair dryer).
“Laverne & Shirley”: A new title? unless Cindy Williams rejoins the show.
Madame: A bonfire.
Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall: A diploma from the Elizabeth TaylorRichard Burton school of Getting The Most Mileage Out of a Relationship.
Tom Selleck: Commissions from all the Selleck clones vying for stardom on the tube.
To all tv beefcake heroes: Shows that are less crotch-ety.
Robert Urich: Another, better series.
Sammy Davis Jr: A new act.
Willie Nelson: A haircut – and a bottle of shampoo.
Robert Blake: A new T-shirt – and a bottle of deodorant.
Pamela Hensley: Continued crash coaching until she quits mangling her “Texas accent” on “Matt Houston.”
TV Weathermen: Someone to explain the weather to them so they don’t smile while announcing tornadoes.
Charlton Heston and Ed Asner: A peace pipe.
Karl Maiden: A MasterCard.
Steven Spielberg: Son of “E.T.”
Bette Midler: A movie that’s not Jinxed.
Lena Home: More of whatever it is that keeps her looking, sounding and acting like a kid of 20.
Meryl Streep: An Oscar.
Paul Newman: The same.
The TV programming powers: Sights that will focus on quality more often.
The film factories: Room on their production slates for the small, quality picture.
And to us all: A big, big dose of happiness and prosperity
